A memory is but a feeling that never really leaves
by Lil Kumo
Summary: Jee survived the failed Siege of the North Pole and deserted the Fire Navy. Few weeks later he finds himself in a ratty bar, confiding the tale of his life in a freshly met woman innkeeper and a drink of alcohol...
1. Brand New Boots

**Disclamer :** Avatar the last airbender does NOT belong to me in any way. It belongs to its creators and owners. Michael Dante DiMartino, Bryan Konietzko, and Nickelodeon. This is just a fan fiction.

**Author's notes :**  
First, please let me apologize if I made any mistake in my use of english, spelling or grammar, for it is not my mother tongue. Plus, I have no beta-reader. But I put my heart in making it pleasant to read. I'd be glad to both correct this text and improve myself if you could point gently in a review any problem in my writing. But if you just want to say it was good, go ahead ! that'd be a great encouragement !  
About the story : well, lieutenant Jee appears in 3 episodes, and he doesn't even get the quarter of fan-love that some others do when they apprear in only one or two episode(s). That is just UNFAIR ! He's as endearing as any one of them ! Of course, he may not be as young and stuff, but still ! This injustice had to be fixed ! So here's a piece of fan fiction just for Jee, recounting his way from his most strinking childhood memories up to the fateful Siege of the North ! and I truly hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it !

_enough with the talking, now..._

**Prelude : Brand New Boots**

The man was sitting casually, still quite wide awake despite the late night hour. The only thing betraying his drinking and tiredness was the haze in his unfocused look. He had been there for hours. He had ordered some fried noodles, and a bottle of strong rice wine that he had been sipping since his arrival. He was still holding a half-filled goblet of it in his left hand, his right being unusable : it was immobilized by the intricate wrapping around his fractured arm.

The innkeeper was quite surprised there was still someone up at such an hour. All the other customers were lying drunk on the wooden tables, asleep in their booze, or even rolled over onto the floor. As it usually was, mater of factly, when the night was getting quieter. The place had been so noisy a few hours ago, everybody bragging and barking… Now only the noises that could be heard were a drunkard coughing faintly in a corner and the crackles of the fire in the hearth.

She rose from her sit near the counter and imperturbably waded through discarded empty bottles and various dirts. Her heavy black lacquered zori made a light yet clear-cut sound on the floor, and her loose silky worn-out skirt's scrapping was also quite noticeable. But the man did not turn around to acknowledge her as she sat right in front of him.  
- Looks like you're not from around here.

Finally he seemed to have noticed her. He slowly turned his head to face her, and found himself lingering his gaze on the curve of her bare shoulder, and then flowing down on her collarbone, where the smooth candle-light-golden skin disappeared under a black and ochre cardigan. The woman was in her thirty, with dull black hair pulled back in a messy sort of top knot, and small wrinkles in the corner of her dark eyes. He dimly remembered it was her who he had ordered food from.  
- I already paid you, don't you remember ? _he spat bitterly_.  
- Well I do_. The innkeeper answered_. I just wandered if you wanted some company. I can see there's something running across your mind. Wanna talk about it ? I'd pay you another bottle to go with the talk.  
With that she pointed to the previous bottle the man had ordered, which was almost empty. The man only glared at her warily. So she went on explaining herself on such an unexpected kind gesture.  
- You don't seem to be one of those greasy snoring filth I have to deal with everyday. The job pays off, but there's not much interesting conversation to expect, and sometimes I just miss some… you know, social life.  
She smirked, then lifted from her chair and headed to a back room, only to return a few moments later with a bottle of nice rice wine and another goblet. She sat back and filled it up with the freshly opened bottle and raised her drink in the air before taking a large sip of it.  
- So what's your name stranger ?  
The man avoided eye contact for a second before answering.  
- Jee.  
- Well, Jee. My name's Oyone, tenant of this ratty tavern. What brings you in town ?  
- I'm just wandering_. He said looking in his cup before drinking the last of it_.  
Oyone refilled it immediately before she added in a low teasing tone:  
- I heard a few fire nation ships had grounded near the An Yu fishing village about a month ago. All of the soldiers are supposed to have returned by now though. I believe they were part of those lucky survivors of the failed siege of the North Pole, but, some say a couple seems to have deserted. Well, you know, who should trust gossips ! Nice grey shirt and pants by the way. Though they don't really match your obviously brand new boots.

Jee shot a cold glare at her, his lips pressed in a stern scowl.  
- Oh don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Neither will those. She said motioning to the sleeping customers behind her. They don't even remember where they are when they wake up… at noon.  
She raised an eyebrow and smiled, but to Jee it looked more like a smirk. He frowned and detailed her.  
- Too bad I have nothing to tell you !  
- Ow, come on ! You should have though about **that** before paying me with fire nation money.

Oyone cracked a small smile, a real one this time. The corner of her lips were not constricted in a taunting face anymore, and made her mouth look soft and smooth. Jee chuckled. He knew it was useless, but he still replied just for the sake of it :  
- So what ? As long as it's money, 'shouldn't bother you. I don't have to tell you how I got it, do I ?  
The innkeeper stared right back at him as his expression softened just a bit. She unconsciously racked her front teeth on her lower lips before answering.  
- No, you don't have to. But maybe you should.  
- Why ?  
- Why not ?

Jee let his look trail off on the few drunken asleep forms around him, the discoloured wooden tables, the plain walls where the fireplace's light was displaying. His gaze then fell in the bottom of his goblet, which he moved a bit to see the light flicker over the alcohol it held. He took a sip and breathed out slowly.  
- All right. Where do I begin ?  
- How about the beginning? It's usually a good place for to start.

Oyone bent forward on the table, laying on her elbow and forearm, and revealing a bit more of her collarbone's skin.


	2. me and my friends

**Author's note :**  
All right. Don't hesitate to give me review, because English isn't my mother tongue, that's my first fan fiction EVER, and I would like it to be enjoyable both for me and for you. So... Any suggestion ? review. Flame ? review. Encouragement ? please review review review !

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Jee shifted a little on his chair, taking a more comfortable position for what he knew would be a long journey through his memories. Which, he had to admit, he had not looked back in for quite some times. He was not a young man anymore, and he was getting close to the age where you have the biggest part of the way behind you. Not that he didn't hope he would still have some more in front of him. But going through it all in front of somebody else, well… Once he would have done it, there would be no turning back, and he would definitively have to acknowledge it, and actually deal with it, no matter what. That was something he hadn't really prepared for when he first set foot in that tavern. Really, this free rice wine bottle would be a definite good point tonight. 

Jee looked up at the innkeeper, Oyone, who was patiently waiting for him to speak out. She seemed genuinely interested in his tale, though not in an overwhelming way. She was just… listening, taking her time, and that put him at ease. 

" Well, you see, I was born in a simple family. I had 3 siblings, and I was the first born. There was a 5 years gap between my birth and my older sibling's, and then the others were born on the bounce. My father worked in the market place of the Capital. The rest of his family lived in the countryside, so they sent their products and we were to sell them in the city.

We had a small house right next to my uncle's in a peripheral ground of the capital. It was not a bad spot, but I got the use to snick out as often as I could to go and wander in the town. I didn't like sticking at home. In the day time, my mother was quiet, she kept her gaze on the floor. All she would do was sewing or making food, or changing a baby. I remember when I was very young, before the birth of my brothers and sister, she would sing doing her chores. I can't remember what she used to sing, I just have flashes, blurred sounds, and a good soothing feeling floats around them. It would make me happy and safe just to hear her mumble a random tune, even if it was out of key. That was what made the house feel like… home. But then she sang less often, and eventually stopped. Then she became invisible, spineless. You know, she was not really the cleverest woman ever, but she was someone loyal, someone generous, someone good and happy. And I believe that's why my father married her in the first place. But with time passing by her lack of culture was obviously going on his nerves. He often reproached her to have a bad influence on me, and later on my siblings. He wanted us to catch up higher ranks, to have better opportunities in life, and well… probably to be smarter and get further than he had the chance to. To him our mother was tearing us down. So he was tearing her down all the same. That logic of his, you know.

Everybody was coping with it. But still, there was a never ending tension growing with time, and the confused sensation that something was missing somewhere. So I just snicked out. At first no big deal really. I liked running, playing and fighting with the other kids downer on the street. And sometimes, with my buddies, we would take a ball and head southeast until we reached nearby the waterfront. We would watch the boats and seagulls and run after them, or get ourselves into minor troubles on the docks, just messing with people passing by. The kinds of thing every boy child is up to if you give him the opportunity.

The shore was all wood, stone and most of all metal, and quite foul smelling too. The waters were tainted in fact, and only added to the smell. We had heard there had a beach farther on the coast, but all we had ever seen was the metal docks, as far as we had wandered on the seaside of the capital and its roundabouts. There were hundreds of ships landing there. Some transporting coal, prisoners, sometimes food or animal from the newly acquired territories, and of course, soldiers. Many, many soldiers, coming back home or leaving. Warships were from far the most impressive. Not that the others looked plain, after all they were all made of the same metal, with the same funnel blackened by coal smoke. So there was a bit of… family resemblance. But the warships had a special shape : built high, with a large bridge, and nothing on it but a straight tower. Plus their stern had a really particular form, sharp and uplifted… when you saw one, you just knew what kind of boat it was, no matter the size, age, or damage.

I remember the first time I saw a warship. We were still very new my friends and I to rambling down the harbour. We had only peeked at it before. We run and hid ourselves behind some random boxes, left on the side, and we were all gaping at how big and high it was. The ship was huge, an angular dark stain masking the blue of the sky. Firebenders and soldiers were going back and forth, loading lots and lots of supplies below desk, and there was a faint trail of smoke still going out of a funnel. We were so busy watching that we didn't notice a firebender approach the pile of boxes we were hiding behind, so when he asked us what we were doing there, we just ran away screaming! On that day my best friend at the time, Shinzo, fell on the ground and wounded his knee quite badly : all the skin from side to side had been ripped off. Back then it was the most serious cut I had ever seen ! But we were all too scared to stop, and we ran all the way back home without even looking back once !

Although as soon as he was home, it seemed like nothing could stop Shinzo from crying and cuddling up his mother's laps. That's what you call having a good sense of priorities.

We would hang out further and further into the capital the more we grew up, although most of the time we were just wandering in the cheap neighbourhoods nearby where we all lived. My father said I should stop spending my time with my friends, that they were up to no good, and would only get me into bigger and bigger troubles until they would get bigger than I could handle. He wanted me to come and help him with his business, or train myself into studies or jobs. He kept yelling at me. He said I was a waste of his money, it had been useless spending money on my basic education, that I would never make anything of my life… He was telling me that if I wanted I could go to a real secondary school, in the wealthy areas of the city, and end up on my way to climbing the social ladder. He was slowly loosing all hopes in me. However, I had really did nothing wrong at that time. It's just that none of it appealed to me. I was young. I just enjoyed chilling out in the cool night breeze with friends rather than staying locked up all day and night long in that children filled over-heated and noisy home. Who wouldn't ? Besides, it gave me some room to practice my firebending.

My father didn't know. Neither him nor my mother had the ability. I knew my grandfather could firebend, but he lived in the country, and I didn't feel like talking about it with any of my parents. It seems like in Life, sometimes, there are things you cannot explain, nor track, analyse, or even understand in the slightest. They just are. And that's it.

That's how it was for the distance that stood between me and my parents, as well as for my ability to fire bend. That was just there, and as far as I could remember, it had always been. It only increased as days went on.

You see, at that time I kind of thought those 2 things were to balance each other. I didn't feel close to my family. Not that I really hated or despised them. I always respected and loved them in a way. But I just couldn't feel any bound to them. My parents seemed dumb to me and my siblings were still too young. Everything appeared annoying and boring with them the more I grew up. I was getting sick and tired of my house, I just wanted to get away… And I had this feeling, and when I firebent, it was as if I had it right in the palm of my hands. My own destiny, my own way. No restraints ! It seemed easy when the flames were following my hands. I could feel the heat and see the sparkles along the lines of my palms, see it live and die, recreate it… it was mine, it was something I was good at, it was an opportunity, it was who I was… Hell, it was everything. You know how you feel when you're in your early teenage years."

Jee stopped there, unable to go on as he delighted in the memory of this past feeling, as he felt like reviving it all. A light and genuine laugh forced his lips into a smile, something he was not so used to since the last months, and did he enjoy betraying the habit !

Oyone was gently smiling, a soft wrinkle above the right corner of her lips selling out her having a good time. She was resting part of her weight absentmindedly on the table, her chest pressed right against its plane surface, both her eyes and ears wide opened for more.

- Oh yes I know the feeling.

She let the last word trail off in a languid way, and her own eyes draped in this soft haze a heart soothing piece of bitter-sweet memory could bring. She day-dreamed for a few moments, while Jee quenched his talk-induced thirst with a bit more alcohol. Then she abruptly snapped out of it and exclaimed :

- So **you** can read ?

- Why, yes I can. Surprised, maybe ? _he answered teasingly._

- Well, it's that no many common people learnt, and you don't really look like the intellectual type. No offence Jee !

- I didn't say I was an intellectual, just that I can read. Many powerful well-read people were unluckily not taught to make the difference along with all the useless things they've learned, but that doesn't mean **you** shouldn't !

Jee's wink was the final blow that brought Oyone's hold on herself down, and she busted out laughing loudly. Whether it was because the comment was fine, because she was getting tipsy, or just because she enjoyed Jee's company, Oyone couldn't really tell. Probably it was a mix of those 3 reasons.

* * *


	3. Music School

**Author's note :** _Ok, so this is probably the softiest chapter of this fic. And I promise this is the strongest level we will get. Because I tried to handle it IC, and yet he only really speaks out in one episode, I don't see Jee getting all stary-eyed and emotionnal, no matter how much booze he got.  
Still, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a heart and is feeling proof ! And he deserves his part of "oh no i can't believe the fans read that" shame too, like every other character of the show !  
... Aaaah, sailor man..._

* * *

Oyone's slender fingers brushed the wooden table, and for a second Jee wondered how their pad would feel on the skin of his shoulder blade or on the edge of his lips.  
She shook her head slightly and a few wild strands of black hair, escaped from her messy topknot, tickled her neck. 

- If you could read, why engage in the Fire Navy ? Why not seek for a more lucrative job ? or just a job where you're not so likely to get killed in suffering ?

She raised a questioning eyebrow, her pointer's nail scrapping faintly against the wood, sending Jee a light shiver. He smirked.

- Things turned out differently. I lived things that led me closer and closer to this, without my noticing, and when I had to choose I just ended up engaging myself.

" My friend and I were all entering adolescence. We were all bold and cheerful from it, while our interests changed in consequence. For instance, woman looked different. Some of my mates were blushing and squirming when brushing the sleeve of a pretty girl in a crowded street; whereas some became true womanizer in a few years, boasting of or flattering swiftly. I think I was somewhere between the two. I was never ill-at-ease with a woman, even when she attracted me greatly, but I never was bragging either.

We went more and more often to the 'hot and cheap' neighbourhoods, if you see what I mean. It was pretty much slums, actually, but with the very specific activities you can imagine. At first it was just to… I don't know, kind of proving ourselves we were not afraid to. We decided to go together. Shinzo, Kizari, Guani, Anjin and I. We were the best friends, really. We were taunting each other, playing the snooties, but deep down we were a bit unsettled. You probably know what this kind of place is like. Brawls, purse snatching, unsafe houses corners, a few drunkard floating numb in the street… Not to mention all the filthy brothels the weary soldiers and sailors freshly back home went drinking away their boredom to. The kind of place that would get a well-to-do housewife's face bloodless.

On our first afternoon we just walked around a bit. We didn't talk, didn't drink, didn't enter anywhere, we didn't do anything really. Just crossed through the quarter. But you have no idea how proud we were. We felt like men, afraid of nothing and introduced to everything. The badass boys, kind of. We felt so grown-up over so little thing it seems laughable now. We talked about it for days and days, perking and teasing each other… and eventually, we went back. And back again, and again… Every time we got a bit more confident and curious, and that's how we started to patronize those places, from ramblers to customers. Regular customers.

We used to spend most of our time in a small dive called "the tipsy sun warrior" or "the fuddled sun warrior", something of that kind. You get the idea. And anyway, the name was not really the point. That was our favourite place. We would sit on the heaps of old cushion and drink warm millet beer and tell stupid jokes, or play cards… and we thought we were on top of the world. It was not too crowded. There were not lots of space, but the many pillars and drapes hanging on the ceiling made it feel cosy. We would always be welcome, and in the late night hours the innkeeper would offer everyone some fire flakes for each new order.

My friends got the use to call it "jee's music school", because I had a crush on a girl working there. She was basically a waitress, but apart from bringing a couple of beers she had not so many things to do. So when there were no more orders, she would entertain clients she liked by playing the pipa. I marvelled in the way she pinched and poked the cords, it looked like if it was no big deal for her, but I'm telling you sometimes I was really impressed. I managed to keep it from showing too much, but my friends knew better. They would tease me restlessly until we would all crack up laughing. I think it would have been impossible for the girl not to hear. Her name was Sai. I had caught the innkeeper calling for her several times.

One day, or rather one night, there were only us and two old men completely drunk. Not that we were not a bit too, but we were still up. So Sai came to us and asked if we would like her to play something special. Anjin asked for a love ballad and gave me the most un-subtle wink ever. We all laughed, even me. And Sai chuckled and smiled. Her smooth deep brown eyes lingered on me in a pleasant way. So it was OK.

But then Shinzo said I was very interested in pipa, and that she should go closer to me so that I could have a better look on the instrument. She nodded, rose from her seat and walked toward me. Her bare feet and exposed ankles were merely an inch away from my legs. Suddenly I was not so laughing. She seated on my crossed-legs, her weight nestled in the crook between my thighs and her back pressed lightly against my chest.  
'Mighty Agni' I thought. I could feel her thick cocoa hair tickling my jaw and I just wanted to bury my head in it. Her scent was making me flush. I yearned to caress that cute round face of her, so much that my finger tips almost felt sore. Then she said 'I'll pick a simple song, so you can put your fingers on mine and play it with me'. I was unable to answer. The only thing in my mind was my own voice repeating 'oh might Agni' like a mantra. Only this way could I keep a hold on myself.  
'Let me show you first. There's a simple melody that goes all along the song' she said. She started squeezing the cords.

Her fingernails caressed the silky cords so smoothly, it was just so graceful to me… When she stopped, I slowly raised my hands next to hers and laid them on her skin. It felt good and right, and I let her guide me through the sequence of notes. Then she started to sing. It was a popular song at the time, something about two lovers reunited after the fire nation won the war. The man was off fighting the barbarian water tribes in the frozen lands, and the woman was on a beach, longing to see his ship in the distance, bringing him back to her… Shallow song. No, stupid and shallow song. But strangely I couldn't shake it off my mind until the next time I saw Sai again.

This earned me a bunch of teasing and mocking, but it was well worth it. Then Sai took the habit of sitting snuggled up to me whenever she was not busy. I would put my hands atop hers and follow her every movements. It would give me an excuse to relish her sweet smell and presence, and sometimes, to look down into the plugging neckline of her loose wrap-over tops.

With months passing by, she introduced me to more complex patterns of notes, and it seemed to me that she pressed herself further into me. Besides, I was nicely surprised when I realized my hands were not just following hers anymore : on the simpler songs, mine were moving just in time by their own above hers. I found myself memorizing chords and wanting to learn more. And the more we played together, the more I enjoyed it. I delighted in both the physical contact with Sai and the pipa practising. Every single gesture of Sai was sinking in my memory, like nothing had before.  
In my later years, I would understand that when an appealing woman was teaching me something, I would get to the point much quicker. And learning to play the pipa was apparently no exception.

After a while, I eventually grew bolder, and from times to times, when my friends' eyes were not focused on us, I would give the nap of her neck a light kiss. She would giggle a bit, or gasp in a very enticing manner, and I would be so happy I'd think myself Agni's most blessed man in the whole nation.

And all in all, that's how I learnt to play the pipa. "

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	4. Sudar Square

**Author's Note :**

First of all, let me thank **Jordana Kari** and **Vampire-Nightwish-Lover** for reviewing my story - it means a lot for me and keeps me going.

Second, I'd like to apologise for the lack of updates and signs of life in general - my computer DIED and you know what kind of sh... problems you have to face then... not to mention the rage you have when you discover half of your files are LOST for ever... 8( (yes, that's a smiley...)

Alright, read and review !

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"As you can imagine, my father was not really happy about it. He warned me all the more every time I was coming back from a trip down the 'hot and cheap' quarters. He said he could smell it on me, that I was dishonouring myself and my family, and that is was a shame I was wasting the house's hardly-earned money on sluts and cheap plonk. But it entered my left ear just to leave by my right one, and it had no time to sink in the way. Usually, my mother said nothing, and my siblings were curled up in a corner as my father yelled and shouted. I would just go and lock myself in my tiny room. Then I would stare at the ceiling and smirk, thinking about my day.

Then the Fire Festival came. The spring was hot this year, so people were wearing light clothes and girls had short vaporous skirts, showing navel and legs' curves. I had been eagerly expecting the festival to spend the all night with my friends, a tasty beer, and a couple of easy girls. What do you know, I was a teenager. It looked promising. But I was running out of money, since my father would not trust me with it anymore. He expected from me to spend the festival with my siblings. I was not really grabbed, but the night of the festival, I found myself with 3 kids stuck to me anyway.

Anjin and Shinzo came to pick me up; we were supposed to meet with the others later. It seemed like our plans were being compromised. We went to a little restaurant nearby. Shinzo ordered the children some delicacies to keep them busy while we were working out what we should do. We drank a bit in the meantime, and we decided to leave the children in the Sudar square. It was a clean and long square in a safe part of the suburb we lived in, and there were always some performers there. Some would show off with magic trick or firebending arts, or there would be Fire dancers or acrobats. The kids would like it, and by chance be captivated enough to leave us alone for some time. It seemed a good idea with a bit of alcohol in our heads. So we just took my two brothers and my sister to Sudar square.

There were garlands of red and gold lantern stretched between the roofs of the surroundings houses, and almost everybody wore colourful masks. The air smelled spices and caramel. And luckily there was a stage on a side of the square where young girls were showing their contortionists' skills. Their shiny diadems mocked the shape of flames and their copper bangles were jangling noisily. All of this was perfect to entertain and mesmerise young children.

' Shun, Naoki, I want you to watch over your sister. I trust you with this duty, so behave yourselves ! And have fun. I'll come to pick you up when the show is over. Here, buy something to eat with this and don't leave the square".  
And with that I shove a couple of copper pieces in Shun's hand, and I ran to Shinzo and Anjin. We left and met up with Guani and Kizari, and we roamed down every dive we could find. I lost all the money I had left in games that night, and I drank until I couldn't walk straight anymore. Anjin left in the middle of the night with a woman who apparently was used to sleeping around, and the others and I went out in streets. We joined a few other drunken men, apparently sailors, and we started bursting into bawdy songs. Then we went into a tavern and drank again, and one of the sailors offered us a mafe chicken, which is basically chicken slowly cooked in a thick groundnut sauce. Although fire nation's cooking is usually spiced up, it's quite a common plate in the Fire nation. It has a sweet and tender taste, and it was nice to balance out the spicy fire flakes I had eaten earlier that evening.

I think we stayed in the dive for a great deal of time, because I fall asleep. I was awaken at dawn by Anjin, who was shaking my arm worriedly.

'What are you doing here, was your night not so good ?'  
I managed to say. I tried to give him a sly smirk, but I was feeling too sick to do so. The world was tangling around me, but I could still tell that Anjin was really anxious.

'Jee, did you spend all your night snoring in this street ?' he yelled.

His face contorted in fear. I could not answer his question.

'I don't know' _I said_ 'how did I get here ?'

My voice was coming from far away and was clumsy, and talking was making my mouth feel distastefully bitter. Anjin helped me back on my feet, and just as I regained my balance I got sick. Anjin swore. He wiped my mouth with a handkerchief and slapped me hard. 'Damn ! What a mess you got into ! Look at yourself ! Please Jee, tell me you brought your siblings home yesterday before collapsing dead drunk on the pavement !' I couldn't tell if he was disgusted, angry, embarrassed, or just concerned. Maybe all of these. But his face looked so strange with all those conflicting emotions it took me a few moments to realise what he was talking about.

Then something in my blurred mind enlightened._ 'Shun'_ I gasped. I felt my knees get weaker in the moment. I tried to run to Sudar square, but I only got sick again. I patted my now empty stomach and swallowed back the acid taste in my mouth, and I resumed running. Anjin yelled something at me, but I didn't care. Once I figured where I was, I got to Sudar square right away. But the square was empty now. I ran around the streets for hours, before I slumped breathless. The sun was already bright and clear, almost in its zenith. My belly contracted both hungrily and in pain and guilt, and the sound of my heartbeat echoed loud in my head.

_ 'What I am to do, now ?'_ I silently cursed myself. I got sick one last time, and I felt more miserable than ever. I decided I should face my foolishness, and grovel to my parents.

I arrived at my house all sweaty and ashamed. My father opened the door before even I knocked it. 'Get in' he said.  
His voice was levelled and serious. I entered the main room, and I felt to my knees. My mother held my 3 siblings close to her large chest, all of them looking safe and healthy. I cried. I was in such relief and joy to see they were fine. Then I heard my father slam the front door and stalk closer.

'It's over' _he calmly said._ 'This was the last bit of disappointment you would bear me. I've warned you, I've cared for you, I've given all I could give for you to have a good life. And this is how you reward my efforts ? Spitting at your family's face ? I've taken it all along. All of your failures, all of your disgraces, I've accepted all of them, because you were my son. But you've gone too far. I cannot cope with it anymore now. You've chosen those brainless drunkard and filthy sluts over your own flesh and blood.'

I could not answer anything. I had this coming.

'Look at Iku, she's only six. Had you noticed when you dropped her on that crowded square all alone with only a nine years old boy to protect her ? Did you not think it could be _a tiny little bit_ dangerous for children under ten to spend the whole night with a drunk and sleazy mob ? Or were you yourself too drunk and sleazy to notice ? I'd say you were, for I dare to hope you did not forget them of your own free will !'

His voice had rose all the while he had spoken, so now he was almost shouting at me.

'That's a festival, which mean people tend to party, and so tend to drink, and so tend to be out of their mind and do _stupid_ things ! I thought my own son could have a hold on himself. But he was just too eager to dump his own family at the threshold of the slum quarters to _enjoy the festiva_l on his own.'

Before this day, whenever he would yell at me, I would never listen to my father. But then I was just petrified. I hold my head low with shame.

'That's not problem though. Now you will have no restraints from entertaining yourself, no matter how dirty and dishonourable it gets. Because you're not my son anymore.'

My mother kept her eyes on the floor, and Shun looked at me both angrily and defiantly. But Naoki and Iku's eyes were glittering with tears. I was just resigned, I knew I should have never left my siblings alone.

'I suppose you at least remember where the door is' _my father said_. He handed me a small package. There were a few clothes, a bit of money and a small bread. I walked toward the exit.

'Surely if you're old enough to play around, you're old enough to get along by yourself" and then he closed the door of my former house.

I did not wish to stay in front of it, so I just walked around in no direction to clear my head. I needed it. After a while a growl reminded me my belly was empty and I stood for a while in a restaurant. I ordered some thick rice and vegetables and a hot cup of tea. I had just paid the waiter, and I had a look on the money I had left. The few copper pieces looked awfully small in my palm. I had to think of something… I had nowhere and no one to go to, I was about to run out of money, I had no job or qualification, and things did not look in a good start for me.

I had to be realistic. My friends would do nothing to help me. What kind of fool would get kicked out from his house at only 14 just for me to feel better ? Plus, I was just too resentful with Anjin and Shinzo for talking me into leaving Iku alone.

Besides them, the only person I would trust was Sai.

But what could she do ? 'She's in her twenties, you're probably just an inoffensive teenage to flirt and have fun with to her. You should not have too many illusions about her.'

Well, at least that was what my reason told me. A fun fact being that my reason had then the voice of my father. And frankly, it was greatly annoying. But there was another reason, a major one, to why I kept telling me this.

I would have thought myself a burden and a horrible weakling for letting the already poor girl support me. This was something I would never do as long as I had an once of dignity left. Both for me, and for Sai. She deserved better than a man unable to even feed himself.

I was dying to go to her, but I had to make my mind first : what was I going to do ?

The answer came as metal pointed boots hit the parquet of the restaurant. Three men dressed in Fire navy uniforms took their seats on a table. They ordered rich red wine and started chattering. I just looked and I thought _'well, why not ?'_

Yes, why not ? I had not so much to lose anyway. There were no particular abilities required, just to be healthy and valid, and make a display of obedience. I would get a warrior training, possibly a firebending training, get a bed and some warm food, have some secure money and a quite respected place in society. And it would give me a chance to prove me loyal and worthy to my country and my kind. I had to give it a try.

Since I would be turning 14 the next week, I could engage myself in the nearby barrack of Kawkab. And then may happen what Agni sees fit.

* * *


	5. Of Choices and Propaganda

**Author's note :**

A big thank goes up to **Newguy22** who gave me such a great encouragement ! I promise i'll keep updating, even if i have to break 3 other PCs to do it !

Next chapter is coming out a bit slower i'm afraid, it's a real pain to write. It's too big, too vague, too erratic, give me the machete ! Just like if this one wasn't already hard to write ! I delayed this one a bit so there was not such a huge gap between the two... Hopefully, later chapters will be easier to make up. Stay tuned for blood, war, violence and passion -_ i have to sell it, right ?_ - and in the meantime enjoy your jee x sai romance _coughcough_ and mild teenage angst _coughsuplungs_ !

And PLEASE, **review** ! I need to SOCIALIZE !!! sooo badly ! i'm sooo confused ! and i'm angry at myself too ! whatever...

* * *

- Well, by Dilong the earth dragon. That's what I call a radical back-up for a radical messing. _Oyone said while pulling a wild strand of hair behind her round ear_. 14 is very young, I didn't know Fire nation was so eager to send its children on the warfront. _She frowned in obvious disgust.  
_

_- _Fourteen is the age you can enter the army, but you don't get to fight at least before you turn 16. The first two years after you joined are just training or minor missions. And I don't think the earth kingdom is any more protective. The soldiers may engage themselves at 18, but the training provided does not excess six months in the best cases. And that's usually not enough. If they want to be prepared the men have to train by their own before, or have private lessons. Good ones cost a lot of money. Am I right ?

Oyone's look averted him. She quickly chewed on her bottom lip, and Jee smirked in amusement.

- A war costs a lot of money. Sometimes our wise rulers have to make a choice.

Jee muttered with a scowl. The words tasted bitter in his mouth. He extended his arm so as to reach behind Oyone's left ear and free the lock of black hair. It felt smooth and faintly fresh. She just gazed at him. Her face was not stern anymore, he could even swear she was almost smiling. Well at least, **he** was.

- So… what about your training ?  
Oyone asked with a roguish smile, just before putting back her hair behind her ear.

" Well, maybe you should know before I engage I went to Sai.

I sat in the tavern and drank a single beer. I soaked on it for hours. I just waited for the night to come. I was not there for drinks. Anyway I couldn't afford to order much. When the most of the customers were drunk and drowsy, she came as usual to sit in my crossed legs. 'So why aren't your friends with you tonight?' she asked. I said I got into troubles and I didn't want them to get involved. Minor troubles, I added, before I felt her stiffen a bit. 'Like every one of us' she answered. She didn't look worried. 'I have to talk to you' I said. 'Why' she answered. Then I told her what I had decided. I started to explain myself, but she cut in and told there was no need to. The only important things were that I was at ease with it, at ease with her, and that explaining was only talking away the time we had together. Then she turned her face to mine and gently kissed the corner of my mouth. Then she asked me to play something for her. I was a bit stunned, but I did it. I placed my hands on the pipa, and I started to play that same stupid song. The one about that woman on a beach, looking out for her victorious lover's ship to come back to her…

Suddenly small digits joined mine and her palms lingered on my hands. That was so overused, that was so conventional in a way. And it was all the more absurd since we were in that ratty place with drunkards in every corner… But still, it was perfect to me. It was just good, and I was thankful I got to live it.

After a while Sai's head was not nestled anymore on my shoulder. She rose and so did I. She straitened my jacket, and I smiled at her. Then I started to leave. I was simply going, without rush, but without second thought either. But when I reached the threshold of the door a small hand grabbed on my arm.

'_Wait, do you know where you'll sleep tonight_?'.

Sai was staring at me, with something strange in her eyes. That look of you women always get me down. I felt anxiety growing in my belly. I would have slept somewhere in a quiet street, it was just for one night. But now Sai was asking… And I started to reconsider the question. What would I answer ? what would she think ? and, well, what would this look offer ?

'_Why ?_' was all I go out. '_um, I thought if you wanted I could… make some space for you in my room_." She was blushing a bit, and that look of hers dug into me little by little. '_That would be very nice of you'_ I answered. So Sai took my hand and before I could even grin, she shoved me through a narrow stair. Then she opened a door and there was a mattress in the middle of a tiny room under the roof. It was lighted by an oil lamp, laid on the only furniture of the room : a large old chest. '_make yourself comfortable. I'll be over in an hour or two at the latest.'_

So I stalked closer to the bare mat and lied down. I stared at the roof and I tried to take a minute to proceed what had happened in the last two days. Then I think I have kind of dozed off because I woke up later, when the oil lamp was off and a small weight was cuddling up to me. I did not really react, I was too weary. I just fall asleep again. Next thing I remember I was slightly shaken awake. Sai was looking at me, her face very close and her hair tickling at my forehead. 'It's nearly dawn' she murmured 'it would be good to go on your way now'.

I stared at her for a moment. I said nothing. Then she smoothed my hair back a bit and smiled. She sat back on the bed and I sat upright. It felt like the air was thicker this morning.

The bed was warm and I was sleepy, but I had this tightening in my belly when I thought about the day ahead. Part of me wanted to stay there a bit. Yet I knew Sai was right.

It was time to go on my way. She had chosen her words perfectly. It was hard to swallow but I did not show it. It was of no use to linger anymore, and whining was just never my way. I nodded to Sai, and I left. I went down the stairs alone while she looked at me. Then I went out in the street. It smelled faintly acrid but there were no noises in that usually so vivid place. It was still early and most people were probably sleeping. It was such a contrast from the usual, you could have thought the houses were empty, if it wasn't for the light smokes rising from the chimneys. I bought a bowl of spiced pork soup to an old woman on my way, spending my very last copper pieces, and I arrived to Kawkab barracks. I knew this was mostly a training camp. A big one. And since we were at war since a century, I figured the army wouldn't spit on a new recruit.

A soldier near the main entrance indicated me the place where I was supposed to sign in. It was surprisingly easy. I was to swear on my honour I would 'serve my country and its glory in every one of my action', and declare 'I pledged allegiance to the Fire Lord and the Eternal Crimson Flame of Agni'. Then a chubby man asked me a few common questions, like my name, my father's, my age… and he noted everything down on a page of a big leather register, both in black and red inks. Then he apposed a signet, and cheerfully claimed 'welcome in the Fire Navy, soldier Jee ! You're gonna love it !'

I was… a bit sceptic, to say the least. 'Now take this and go to the third hall, on the left of the entrance courtyard.' He held out a small coupon, and just as I grabbed it another young man was coming to join in too.

It took some time to find that damn _third hall_. The camp was full of different grounds and courtyards, and it was not like there were a gigantic signboard on the way to help me. Not before long, the other new recruit caught up with me.

'Hey, you're lost too aren't you ?'

The guy looked just a bit older than me. He had an incredible haircut, really. The strangest I had ever seen. His all skull was shaven, except for 3 distinct strips of short hair running straight from his forehead to his neck. He noticed my staring at it, burst in a laugh, and said it was a 'tri-hawk'. Don't know where he got that hairstyle from. Not to mention its name.

'I'm Kannan, and I've been roaming in this place since I arrived too.' I suggested we look for the third hall together, and so after a bit more roaming, we finally found it.

Since Kawab was mainly a training camp for new recruits, the third hall was used as a huge storehouse were young soldiers got their package from. A stern man examined the coupon I received when joining. He disappeared between the piles of clothes and bags, and handed you a pile. There was your basic armour, you uniform, spare changes, sheets and a pillow, all packed in a long brown bag.

The guy seemed to like having us waiting for his petty directions.

He took his sweet time to get every thing and then said 'you arrive on the good day. Sergeant Lo is appointing the new recruits to their section this very morning. Looks like you won't have to wait in the old dorms for the next one.'

The man spoke with a strange expression on his face, like if he was forcing himself to speak to me. That got me infuriated, but I tried not to show : It wouldn't be good for my first day.

He gave a few other bits of instruction once Kannan received his armour and clothing, and then he'd look in a bunch of scroll. The untold message was clear enough, and we went to a nearby hall where we were supposed to line up to be appointed to our section.

'Don't worry about that guy' Kannan said. I wanted to reply, but then I looked at that incredible grin he had plastered on his face, and I forgot what I was about to say.

Surprisingly we found the hall quite quickly this time – more out random luck than orientation sense improvement – and we got in the crowd. I thought it was quite messy for some military place, but then I'd know the day you engage is the only day the army let what's under its control so.

After a long while, a man who was apparently Sergeant Lo called 20 people's names and yelled where they would have to go once he was done with the troops repartition. It wasn't voiced, but we were split in two main groups. Those who could fire bend and those who could not. And from this, it appeared Kannan was a fire bender too, and we would be in the same unit.

When he was done, he shouted "fall out" and we all got moving. The man of our section walked without a word and reached a large court where a few men in full armour waited for us. One had a large beard and a lager belly. He said he was lieutenant Sho, and was our martial art teacher. He said since we were students, he should be referred as master. I wondered how '_master sho_' could possibly teach us anything about fighting with such a fat build.

He motioned to the man next to him, who wore a fire bender protective mask. He said he was our Master Jeong Jeong and that he was going to teach of us firebenders how to fully master our gift. A third man was introduced as Master Yi Lin, a '_cohesion teacher'_, and to make things clearer, he added he was a battle group specialist as well as a teacher of basic strategies and warrior skills expected from good Fire Nation soldiers. That man was already getting on my nerves, he didn't stop walking around the court and scratching his chin while he mumbled not so kind remarks on the first line of new soldiers in front on him.

Master Sho made some quite inspired speeches on patriotism and loyalty, that I found quite good at the time. Then he told us where we were supposed to sleep and rest. He gave us a briefing on our schedule. Then he commanded us to go change in our uniforms and armours, and then to come back in the court. Our first day would be simple chores, and we would be beginning our training that very same afternoon, once the non-volunteer soldiers would have arrived and have been split up too.

Because it's a fun fact you should know about. You shouldn't believe there were only young or lost men there for a second chance, or appointed soldiers who regretted bitterly their homes.

About half of the soldiers were enthusiastic volunteers, who wanted to take actively part in the war. They were called 'those who stood'.  
The other half was selected directly by the administration. Each family had to contribute the war effort, and giving a son was a very current and accepted way to do so. We called these soldiers 'those who answered'. And contrary to what you could think, most of them were actually content with joining the army.

This was a real honour to serve your country.

That's why there were new recruits coming of their own to this camp every single day. And that's why the ones appointed to this camp were all so proud. They were here to gain Honour: to serve your homeland, to prove yourself a man, and avenge those who fell before you.  
That, and the powerful propaganda system that kept draining people out of their peaceful country up to the war front.


	6. Rotten Fish

**Author's note :**

Happy new year folks ! I hope 2008 will be great for you all, especially **Newguy22,** who's become Jee's number four fan - number three being me, number two being oyone, and number one being zuko. (wOOt) Oh come on, i've rewatched "the storm", and you know what they say about people who argue all the time - plus they're stuck on a boat and they've got nothing to do but chasing the avatar, soooooo... i guess i should just go on with the story.

Anyway **spread the reviews' love !  
**and you'd better enjoy this chapter, because i've really worked hard on it. well, there's still that line that can totally crack up your brain if you take it out of context, but other than that I think I can pat my shoulder... next chapter should be coming in middle february since i have both my semi-annual and driving license exams to prepare. And that's NOT gonna be easy...

_(PS : as the stupid note above "subtly suggests", you can bet i had a good time on the new year's eve.)_

* * *

**'**I spare you the details of those repetitive two years. Well, two years and a half to be precise.  
I suppose you don't need me to tell you what kind of stupid chores and exercising we were doing. Army's the same everywhere. And No, there were no special exercising when the chores were done. Get that wicked smile off your face, Oyone.'

But the summon only turned the innkeeper's slight smiling into a broad grin.  
_Oyone._ Jee thought for a second how strange the name felt in his mouth. It was not something he was used to, but somehow he knew he could cope with it.

Come on, you must have a few interesting anecdotes you could gossip about with your humble host.' _Oyone teased back._

Jee looked at the woman in front of him – and he had quite a nice view since her wrap-over top was so loosely fastened.

**'**Alright. Well… you know that Master Sho I told you about ? The one who wore his weakness for delicacies around his waist ? It turned out he was not someone to be daring with, yet.

The martial art lesson always started with us lining up in 5 ranks of 5 people – as to our initial group of 20 volunteers, 5 called up were added on the first days of our training to make our section complete.

Then Master Lieutenant Sho came and inspected us, if anything was wrong in the way we were standing or looking or breathing, he would make all of us do fifty push-ups, then the trouble some guy would have to do fifty more while the rest of the group would stand at attention and look at him. No matter how long it took, no one would do anything until he was done. And since we were training in an open courtyard, it would sometimes grow very uncomfortable. Not to say unbearable. When the weather was hot, we had to stand there sweating, and when it rained, completely chilled for hours.

All that while our revered master was sitting in a large plush chair, with a fancy umbrella above his head and a cup of tea in his hand. His aide guarded him and circled around him like a stupid dog.  
And all from his little throne, Master Sho was ordering us to move our arm this way, to turn out leg to the other side, telling us how to shift our weight and how we were doing it all wrong. The he gestured to his aide and the guy overplayed the expected move with disgusting pride on his face. We would do it again, three times, and the ones who didn't get it right away after he had done so had a special punishment. They would be pulled apart from the others at the end of the training, and they would have to show master sho the move over and over again until it was done right. For each time you had to redo it, master sho would give you the honour to lift his wide person from his chair and lash by himself your bare back or feet with a stick.  
And I personally had a few extra lessons of this kind, so I know what I'm talking about.

This was all to serve a purpose, and I have to admit that everyone including me was outperforming. But on the other hand, it wasn't long before I didn't find master sho's speeches so inspired anymore.

He was cruel, a little man who thought himself tall when he was nothing more than living on top of the remaining of other people's glory.

I remember that time a man of our unit –he was called Jozu- could not stand because he had been sick all night long. He was not of a big constitution, but he was willing to do good and seemed very honourable. I believe he had engaged in the army because his son had fallen on the warfront.

In the morning inspection, Master Sho saw Jozu's limbs shaking when they should have been motionless. He said a good soldier had to show respect to his superior no mater what, otherwise it would be the end of our civilisation and disgrace would spread and sicken our bloodline. The usual punishment began, and since Jozu had been throwing up everything he had eaten since the previous evening, we had to wait two whole hours.

Time went by. The sun was high and had a deep colour, and still Jozu was not finished. His panting was heavy and he was collapsed on the ground. There were a few uncomfortable stares passing among us, but no one dared to speak up.

Jozu was not making any move to go on, so Master Sho exceptionally rose from the plushy chair and stalked nearer, lips curled and jaw clenched.

'I've been in this camp for twenty three long years of my life. I've worked and trained and fought with everything I've got to prove myself worthy of my element. And I've turned a thousand other airheads like the sorry piece of filth you are, into soldiers and heroes of this Nation. Now is not the day that I'll be stopped ! Get up !'  
And with that he gave a little kick on Jozu's left side. The body made a slight swinging and a muffled noise.  
If I had an once of respect left for maser sho, it was wiped out at this very moment.  
**'**_He was sick all night, Sir**'**_.

Heads turned around, but mine didn't, for it was me who had spoken. I can't really tell what I was thinking then. It was more like I wasn't thinking at all.  
Master Sho walked toward me, waving his hands around him like to dig his way through the thick and hot silence.

**'**_Soldier… Jee, right ? This is not the insolence I was expecting of one of my pupil, even if from such a slum as you are_.'  
**'**_Sir, I just think –  
_**'**_You're not here to think, soldier !'  
_His face was centimetres from mine, and all of his muscles contracted.  
**'**_And you'd better let people who have some sense do it for you if you want to stay out of troubles. You are here to do every single thing that I command you to. It is **your** place. So keep your little pointless comments for yourself. The only thing people like you should take the risk to use their brains for, is to remind themselves to shut up and do as they're told ! Stick to you job soldier, is that clear_ ?'  
I was boiling inside.  
'_Yes Sir. But-_

The wind was knocked out of me as master sho sent his arm forward and hit the middle of my chest with his outstretched palm.  
What do you know, he did have some strength left behind his fat.  
I fell backwards and landed hard on the soldier behind me, and only then did the pain struck. It spreaded from my sternum to my body muscles and my arms, and then up to my head.

Master Sho went back to sitting in his chair, then dismissed us, all.  
Everybody wisely walked away without even looking back at me, except for Shannan who helped me back to the dorm.

Of course, for the next month I was on toilet scrubbing chores and other delightful activities of this kind. Sho did not punish Jozu, and the smart guy avoided me like if I were plague-stricken. How grateful, right ?

I had another revelation on the… complexity of human nature, a few weeks later.

We had this stern and exacting firebending teacher. Master Jeong jeong. He made us stand with our legs wide open for hours to "breath" before we could do any type of real practise. We did look pretty stupid…  
Master Jeong Jeong was strict, and he had an utter ideal on what discipline should be.

At first it was really annoying, moreover since we had seen him without his protective mask during our training sessions : He was probably not even 25. And here he was, yelling at men sometimes older than him, commanding us and telling us what was right and what was wrong, like, you know, he knew _**so**_ much better than us... It was hard to swallow, but with some time, and the more I used my firebending, I realized he was probably the best teacher in the whole camp.

Sure he was fastidious and at times tiresome, but he was never unfair nor cruel. And he _**did**_ know better than us.  
Even his breathing techniques I had found dead boring at first proved to be very useful as we were learning more advanced firebending techniques.  
And I'll tell you, I wasn't looking forward for each training session only for the bending – although that's something really thrilling actually. I also seeked his advises, and it was very nice to know not every officer in the army was narrow.  
In a few months he had earned the respect of our entire unit.

But then one day, we learnt he had been promoted, and I've never seen him again.  
None of us were surprised he had left : he was much too gifted to stick to teaching firebending to new recruits his whole life. We were proud we had been trained by Captain Jeong Jeong. And I think we've all been even more each time we heard about him getting to a higher rank.

That is, until Admiral Jeong Jeong became The Deserter.

Things were different then.

Don't you think I scorned him. I never did, and I never will. It's just that by the mean time, I would have lived different things. My eyes would have changed with insight. I would see differently. And I would have learned to be a bit more sceptical and defiant about what things looked like at first.

And _this_, started right away with my two years training. Master Sho if anything taught me that charismatic people's great speeches are often only words that have a nice sound to it, put together. And Master Jeong Jeong taught me the difference between something nice and something good.

You know what was killing me ? I had to wait until I met him to understand it. I mean, I should have known better ! Then maybe I would have listened to my father when he was yelling about a random one of my friend : "you can put as much sugar as you want on it, and it may taste better, but believe me, it will still be a rotten fish."

* * *


	7. Goodbyes and Farewells

**Author's Note :**

_SORRY ! i'm very sorry for the huuuge time break, but I had to face a few things I would have been better off. I should be OK now, I've learnt my lesson... Anyway. Of the things that I can tell you without 'uneasyness' :  
- I've badly screwed my first year in colledge  
- I'm aparently not good enough in english to legally give private lessons to a beginner english learner (not even for his first year teaching)  
- That stupid 'english speaker of other languages' advanced level that cost me a 100€ fee is useless !!  
- Money is crual... and people are just worse  
- My body has feelings too lol_

_So I come up with a Huuuuge chapter - i COULDN'T cut it. And I had to submit to Jee's will - he did things I had planned him to do only in later chapters and postponed a major deed. Arg... also, 'subtle' overtone in the last part of this chapter. read and find out. Where I live we have a word to qualify his actions : "quetard". But the people of my place are known throughout the country to be very direct, so i'll rather translate it with a subdued "shameless womanizer"..._

_In this chapter Jee goes through a lot - but that's what happen when you enter colledge. I mean, when you become a Maaaaan !! (sparkle action : ON)_

_SORRY again. updates coming quite quickly from now (since i have free time and no money to do anything with it )  
i'll also probably revise my earlier chapter to make it more "english reader friendly". so if you ever picked up anything weird..._

* * *

"About Master Yi Lin, I have no big things to say. He was just some average cohesion master, or in a less affected way, propaganda's officer. And you know, simply doing his job : telling us how it was our mission to Agni to bring light in the darkness of the world's savagery; how it would be unfair and contemptible for our country not to make the barbarians share our greatness; the kind of things that sounds so gorgeously put in words that in the end you genuinely believes it makes sense.

And I'm not proud of it, but I admit it, I truly bought that.

I mean, wasn't that what everybody thought ? What I had heard all around me for years ? It wasn't like if we were the bad ones. We had been blessed with Culture, Strength and Civilisation, and noble Sozin had decided it was time to bring balance to the world and let the other nation have their share of prosperity. Now the locals had been only as hostile and subhuman as their inferior customs allowed them to be. We couldn't let our people get killed, right ? We had to fight back, and bring peace and progress to these poor people who didn't know what was good for them. Such a noble goal was probably worth any cost, now wasn't it ?

Took me some time to figure out it wasn't, but then I thought it was true, and that it was both my duty and my destiny, as it was for any honourable man."

_There Jee stopped. He took a sip of rice wine, and with a frown, turned his eyes to the now empty bottom of the goblet. He raised with exaggeration his look to the bottle he knew was empty too. And finally, stared at Oyone with a fakely contained smile._

_Okay, I got it._

_Oyone rose from her now snugly half-laid-on-the-table position and headed toward the counters. And as his eyes therefore found a new interesting place to linger, Jee though with self contentment that he hadn't lost his steps in picking up nice inns.  
She came back with a new bottle and a bowl full of bean cured puffs. Earth Kingdom food… Well, so long as you can eat it anyway… _

_Oyone laid back on her chair, and jee took just a moment before going on with his tale.  
_

"…And then, arrived the moment when my two years training was over. Well, more like two years and a half, because as I could read, I could apply for some basic military geography – which means I could get in charge of the maps, or when ordered write short tactic messages to be send to other warships or to the frontline, or be an aide to the superior officer…

Master jeong Jeong recommended me to the trainer without my knowing before he left. He said though I had no diploma at all I was clever and qualified enough.

It would have gotten me a better and safer status than a simple seaman then, if master sho hadn't written on my records that I had 'no sense of common good' and 'had proved' myself to 'be an instable element in a group'.

Master Jeong Jeong's note worked in my favour, so I got the formation in the end. But the counterpart was, it was left to my superiors to deem if I was efficient enough as part of a group to use my qualifications…

_Master_ Sho…I was not sad when I left that guy.

Before we could leave the camp, we had to join what is called the "recognition ceremony".

New recruits were "released" every two month, and so, every two months, the newly formed recruits met in the larger central courtyard. They lined up in several files, the future highest ranked in the very front line. And the simple soldiers at the very last one.

About some time the instructors would come out before us, and a petty officer would shout the name and rank of the most important officer present. We would all turn toward him and bow deeply, with our right fist clasped against our outstretched left palm.

Then the guy would shout the name and grade of the second most important officer, and we would turn and bow to him in the same fashion. And so on and so forth until the whole array had been bowed to.

I bowed quite easily to the firebender teacher who had taught me after jeong jeong's promotion, and to master Yi Lin, whose blabbering hadn't bothered me too much. But I had a real hard time when I had to bow to the fatty sho.

When the ceremony was over, we fell out, and people could randomly walk out the camp. The hiatus between the moment our training was over and our departure to our new post could vary a lot, so I was to stay a bit in the city.

I thought about my friend, Kannan, who had left the city a few months ago. He hadn't gotten any further training than the basic one, and we had parted way a mere minutes before his recognition ceremony. That was when I had realized what a good friend he was. We had not been up to a lot of tricks, like me and Shinzo had when we were friends, but… I don't know. Maybe Shinzo was not really a friend, he just didn't want to have fun all on his own, and neither did I. We were teens, it's nice to be part of a group then. So we said we were friend and we could say "hey, here's my best buddy, we do everything together". And that was fine.

Kannan, he was a real friend. He was fun, but not bragging around, not talking restless. Not _spreading_ himself over. But you _knew _he'd be there. He had proven it already when he had saved me some food.

I didn't know where he was, and I didn't know if I would ever see him again.

After we parted, I had seriously been thinking about the things I'd have to do once I was back in town.

The rules were very strict for new recruits at Kawab, and we couldn't go out much. And now, I walked freely in the streets, and I was relieved the capital hadn't changed that much. When the sun grew subdued, I found an open terrasse café and ate a boiling chicken soup. I remember. It was a bit chilly by that time, and plumes of steams were rising from the bowl. It was late winter and the overpowering heat of the fire nation lands was giving us some rest. I know the warmth of the bowl felt nice in my palms. I know the sky looked a pale yellow, and there was not a single cloud. The sight's still very vivid in my mind. And I felt, like, dazed off a bit from it…

I felt very off.

I was now a strong and healthy 16 years old young man, a true firebender, and I had grown some dark brown hairs on the sides of my cheeks. I was now taller, my voice had deepened somehow, my hands' bones seemed thicker. I put my palm on the side of face, to feel it, and I thought I should go and see my parents. It popped out, not from nowhere, like it could seem, but from deep inside of me.

I had my assignment order at my side. I knew I had a 2 weeks deadline ahead of me. And I guessed it wouldn't go on really smooth, getting back from nowhere after two years. I debated whether I should get over with it as quick as possible, or think through what I'd say and wait as close as possible to my departure – so if things turned bad, I wouldn't have to face them. Heh, what do you know, always the smart guy right ?

Anyway, I asked around for a room to spend the night, and I finally decided I would get straight forward with it, and see my parents first of all. Then I'll have a lighter head for my… other plans.

I left the capital's centre and headed to the poor suburbs when I had once lived. The streets were narrower and dirt-covered as I closed. I could hear the merchant yelling behind the curtains of their shop's façade, the few pubs and the game houses slowly eating away the sidewalk as I went along. I cut through what I knew was a lively quarter at night, and I passed by a bright-pink lipped woman who eyed me pryingly. I don't know who between me and her was the most surprised to see someone out there so early…

And I come out to the street where my house was. My stomach twisted quite painfully, but that was something I had to do. I stalked closer to my former home, and I stopped just before the front door. My knees and neck felt very weak at that moment, and my chest tightened.

I scratched my chin while I tried to collect my self, but even my hands were moist with nervous sweat; and that was not to help me regain some confidence.

I swallowed hard and I could have sworn the whole block had heard it. So I thought I'd rather make me known with a firm knock on the door than with some undignified internal noise.

I breathed. I knocked.

…and nothing happened for a moment. A short moment, but it felt long. Very long. My eyes had a will of their own, and they darted very far from the door and longed for my body to follow.

The door cracks open.

- Yes ?

Through the door frame, I can see my mother. She's clad in a bleached red robe, and her sweet face seems as worn out as the cloth she's wrapped herself in. The hair falling on the side of her face is a dark grey, and her eyes are lost in wrinkles.

My poor mum, I've left her all alone. What kind of worries have I left her to bear ?

But she's not the only one I can see. In the background, there's a young man standing, and he's holding on my sister Iku's shoulder. I picked up Iku easily, even after two years, she hadn't changed. But I can't put a name on the boy next to her. I'm petty sure he's one of my brothers, I can see a bit of myself when I was younger in him. But apart from that…

I'm just gaping, and when I try to talk I'm just making random squeaks.

- Jee ! My son !

My mother's stare got blurry. I could tell she wanted to hold me, but I felt pushed outward from her. And I was. I just had the time to steady myself before I realized my father was clutching at me.

- How dare you come back here ?

- Father, I-

- I am not your father ! You're a stranger to me !

I stilled for the briefest moment.

- Well fine ! _I finally yelled_. Just know that some random stranger will be leaving the City in two weeks. And he hopes you'll be fine. Goodbye.

I pushed him back away from me, and I left, with my mother crying behind my father.

That was not really the kind of reunion I expected. And I didn't really have a lighter head afterwards… I stormed off in the streets, and I ended up going down the small sloped road to the shore. The same wide paved wharfs, the same smell of salt and rotten vegetables, the same boats far in the distance, and the same crowd in dark red armours. Only this time the frontier between me and those guys was not so obvious. Funny how they used to be like distant figures, part of a bigger game. And now they were, kind of part of who I was.

I bought some mild beer to clear my thoughts. And I spend some time there, just walking and looking around me. Sometimes I watched something, and I closed my eyes and tried to picture it again, as clearly as possible, and I started over again until it was sharp enough.

I knew things were going to change – I was going to change – but I didn't know how. And I wanted to keep a trace of what things were like before this happened. So I guess I just, tried to trap it under my eyelids.

I did it with the skies, the boats, the sea line far away, the people… and a very nice looking woman. She was waiting for someone – so I had plenty of time to memorize her form before some tall and hairy civil security guard came to her. Man was I jealous. A fresh little woman like her, with that stupid dork and his hairs jutting out of his boots and armpits... Fortunately, I was to wear a better uniform.

I got up after some more time, and I had a very precise idea of where to go. No matter I had already walked my fair share : I wouldn't have to walk a lot once I was on the warship, so I could take a little extra effort.

When I arrived it was close to dusk. The streets were growing crowed, but that was not a problem to me. I recognised the place the moment I saw it. And another kind of twist formed in my belly.

I entered and found an empty sit against one of the thick pillar. I waited for some time, but I couldn't see her. That's when I felt a hand rapping my arm.

- Well who do we have here ? Long time no see.

That was the innkeeper.

- Yeah I know. I've been… busy…

- All right, I guess a man's business is his business. How are your friends ? They haven't come here in ages either… You know we've lost our best customers after you stopped coming.

- We don't see each other anymore. hum, how about Sai ? Is she here ? I haven't seen her yet, that's why.

- Oh… Oh, I'm sorry, she doesn't work here anymore. Actually, she's left about a full year ago, I've had to find a new waitress, you see ? _she pointed to a clumsy girl with a heavy tray of dangling cups._ Cause, there was that guy Sai liked, and-

- Oh well, that's great for her. You know, I'm starving, do you mind fetching some hot food for me ?

- Um, no problem…

The woman rose and went away, and I was left to stare at the room. The place seemed a lot cheaper all of a sudden. It was dirty, coarse, and full of smoke and greasy laughs…

No wonder she had left.  
I ate my coldish puri – which felt awfully bitter that night - and I followed suit.  
…No matter I had spend the best times of my shortened youth there, I would never get in there again.  
And there I was. I had still 13 days to kill, stuck in the capital, and with every reason to wish to flee from it.

The only other people I could have wanted to see were Shinzo, Kizari, Guani and Anjin. For a moment I thought about it. I wondered how they had turned out. But then I thought better. There was no way I was ever going to see my childhood-friends again. I didn't feel any kind of attachment between us anymore. Things had changed indeed. I had been stupid when I had first hit the town the day before. How could I have been that blind to it ? I could not run faster than Time.

Hopefully, the City was full of colourful restaurants and game houses, with pretty welcoming hostesses in prettywelcoming clothes. I spend the whole of my first days in these places, most of the time drunk or almost so. But in the end I was becoming sick of it, and not only because of the head and stomach aches. I also felt guilty and pathetic each time I felt the alcohol work its dizzy spell on me. That was how I had lost it all in the first place.

I got my head out of the gutter. My money rack was getting thin. But after the muzzy I had been through, I could bear some lighter food.  
I spend the rest of my days walking in the town, from the small dirty suburbs in the outskirts to the noisy and clean market place in the heart of the city.  
That's how I met Otawé.

Otawé was a young widow who lived in the tiniest apartment. There was just one room, with a mat aside the east wall, a square table on the west one, and an other small one on the far southern wall, just under the only window, which served as a makeshift cooking place. And in the middle, just the space you needed to walk from the window to the door. What could you want more ?

Otawé lived near the great square of Azulon's glory, where I had been going two days in a row to grab something to eat. I don't know why, she stepped to me and asked if I'd carry her basket home. It was not like I had anything better to do, and she didn't really look threatening, so I said yes. And somehow, I ended up spending the rest of my time between my long walks out and Otawé's home.

I don't know how to explain it. I felt like it was okay at that time. When I think about it now, it seems a bit weird… but if I were to start my life from scratches, I'd still do it.

Otawé was beautiful. Not that kind of "beautiful" that leaves you gaping and knocked off on the pavement. The kind of "beautiful" that just makes you smile and feel good. You don't really know where that comes from, but it's there, and it seems so obvious you're not sure how you could put the whole thing in a single word. So you just say she's beautiful.

Her hair was black and smooth, and when she pulled it up, there were always two messy strands of hair falling on the sides of her face, and a long neat one snuggled up above the spine line of her neck.

When I was with her, I would run my hands through her hair, and nothing mattered anymore but the feelings and touches we were sharing. She would hold me close to her, and her bare arms around me were the sweetest things to ever be. She laid her lips on mine, and I would kiss the slightly wrinkled corner of her mouth, slowly, like if one of us was about to vanish any minute.

I had always thought I would be embarrassed. But everything happened naturally, there was no uneasiness. Otawé was gentle with me, and I was careful.

By the end of the week, I knew more about her than I did about my father, my brothers or anyone of the childhood friends I had spent so many years with. She had given me something very special, and she knew it.

We had decided by mutual agreement that we wouldn't spend my last night in the Fire nation together. I would have been too excited to do anything – including sleeping. And Otawé said she would feel worse having to part mere moments before I left, than leaving me the night before, and having me gone later.

Otawé said she hated farewells. It meant you expected to never see the person again, and Otawé thought nothing was bigger a lie, because once you had loved someone you would always keep a part of him with you. A farewell would have been this giving up, and she just couldn't.

Nevermind her husband had left her forever when he died to eastern earth kingdom warfront.

And so, my last afternoon before _long_ years in my homeland was Otawé's.

When the evening grew nearer, I picked up my stuff in her apartment while she looked at me. She was cross-legged, resting part of her weight on her palm, her body and face tilted in a feigned attempt to sit up straight, and I could tell she was either lost in thought or totally thoughtless. I didn't know what good word I could say, so I said nothing. Then I threw my bag over my shoulder, and I stayed there, as clueless as a stick some kid has jabbed in the sand and forgotten. Otawé came to me and she held me. She drew away and she smiled. I kissed her, and I just said "I'm happy I met you". And she laughed a bit :

- You wouldn't like me on the routine. I'm pretty tiresome.

She had mischief in her eyes, and then, I had a lighter head.

- Goodbye Otawé.

- Goodbye…

I walked out in the street. The air was fresh. I strolled through a place I had lived so many things in, a place I had never left before. I didn't know when I'd see it again. And if I'd _see_ it again, I thought. I guess I should have been awfully nervous, but I wasn't. Somewhere I had let go of it. It would have been too much to take and work out, so I just let things come their way.

Just like if I was just standing there, and I watched myself from afar.

I was back at the harbour far before dawn, and my hand was not leaving my assignment anymore. A bit before the sunrise, I saw a few other men come the same way. Most were young, probably fresh out of some camp too.

Then an officer went on land from a small-ish iron warship. And that was it.

It wasn't long apart from then until we left the Fire Nation.

I lagged a bit on the deck, we had sailed off : the sun was big and round and amber-colored above the white and red willowy buildings.

Now was the time, I noted for myself. _Farewell, Otawé_…

And I went below deck with the other men.

You see, I'm telling you those things, because that can seem irrelevant, that a soldier who's seen so many places and done so many things should only talk about his parents and girls he crushed on and stuff… But, if you were me, that's the kind of boring things you'd like to linger on. Forget about the glory of the Battlefield, it's gross. Just a big mess of charred and to be charred bodies crashing everywhere. Rocks crushing bones. Shreds of people in your hair and your face, on the ground, on your thoughts too…

Agni, how I love boring stuffs now !


	8. Somehow

**Author's Note :**

WARNING ! this chapter deals with the war, so don't be surprised if it doesn't turn out to be all candy and bishonen. (now where does that word come from ??)  
allusions - rather clear but not 'show off' style - to the bad sides of it. It's still veeeery readable, just remember this story is rated T (not M, but not K either)

usual pointless note:

_YAY for quick updates, and historical/cultural researches. YAY for bitching, which got me a free concert ticket (for Azia, that I had never heard of before, but still OK. the drummer was kickass. and the guitar player was fun to watch.) Friends are cool. YAY for resident evil 4, which helped my explain to my brother how romeo transfiguring as Luuvv in the balcony scene. Did YOU know there's a parallel between romeo becoming Luuuvv because of Juliet and the spanish peasants becoming parasite-aliens because of Lord Saddler ?_

THANKS to TheOriginalSnakeEyes for favoriting my story  
and to the AWESOME NewGuy22 and his heart-warming reviews !

KEEP IT COMING !

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My first affectation had nothing exotic or thrilling

My first affectation had nothing exotic or thrilling. The boat I was enrolled on patrolled on the eastern coast of the earth kingdom, where the Fire Nation had the more colonies. The official goal was to protect the shores from pirates or rebels' blind raids, but in truth we were there to remind the locals they were not under occupation for show.

Every now and then we would dock and roam down the shores and market places. We searched random people in the street. The ones who looked nervous, or too proud. Man in age to fight. Green-eyed strong guys, who could be earth benders.  
And some soldiers were so good willed as to perform a full search even on the most buxom women. Just to be sure, you know.

The captain of the warship was like a deep pit. Nothing would ever come out of it, just a dull echo if you shout loud enough, and you never knew how long it would take before anything thrown at him hit him and sank in.

He had read my records – _somehow_ – and he had decided it was safer to put some other guy in charge of the maps, since it was my 'first mission'. He appointed a friend of him to the job. A _very_ close friend, if you know what I mean. And I spent my time on the ship as toilet scrubber, deck cleaner, and steam engines feeder.

The part in the hold with the engines I didn't mind. The mechanist was a buff forty-something years old man, with a short beard, a square jaw line and dark patches of hairs down to his forearms. He had the most impressive repertoire of dirty jokes I've ever known in my whole life. His name was Kuzma… uh, I think… Anyway. The crew just called him Sweetie. That gave me loads of good laughs, even when I got used to living on board.

Sweetie was a cool man. He was easy-talking, rather patient, and he explained to me a lot of things about the engines. He had seen I was interested, and he was very proud to share his knowledge with someone.

I had been eyeing the machinery a couple of times when carrying coal to the hold. He saw me and called : "now you must one of the new guys, come here". Now I've got to tell you I had a little shiver running down my spine : so far there had not been major hazing for us new recruits – just a couple harmless tricks - but at the same time more than half the crew was fresh boys out of their barracks. But then that was just that hefty man and me, stuck below deck with the steam and pipes noises all around.  
And in the end, he just asked me if I had ever seen a steam engine, and I cared to know how it worked.  
Obviously, not many people spent their free time in the engines' room, as the heat was oppressing and the noises tiring, and Sweetie was bored to death on his duty hours. He was glad he had someone to talk I guess.

He showed the searing boiler, the pumps bringing sea water through little pipes into it. He shove a piece of coal in my hand, and show me how the boiler burned it, how the heat turned the sea water into steam. how the steam was 'condensed' inside the pipes, how it forced its way to release some pressure through other pipes and valves. How the steam pushed the piston in its way to get out. He showed me the back and forth motion of the piston rod and how it connected to gears, which towed belts attached to other bigger gears. How it bond to a turbine and a propeller in the back end of the ship; and how in the end it all made the hundreds tonnes warship push its way through heavy endless seawater.

He didn't hide how proud he was of his country. The machinery's precision and complexity was his favourite talking point. Besides from women. Not too much bragging, but still, I learnt a few things along the way… not as much as I had about steam engines, though. You know, some things run in with experience. And at that moment I mostly had a ship full of metal devices to get some.

In truth those were good times.

I had a couple bad hangovers from when we were docking to resupply, and I developed my musical range with a few shanties and many drinking songs.  
Most of the grown men were spending their nights out in ill reputes, but at that time I was a bit reticent about the whole thing.  
Before we were given night permission the captain always said we shouldn't forget we bore our nation's colours on ourselves, and we should behave in consequence, but he never insisted too much nor looked after what his men were doing. He couldn't care less, but he didn't want someone to say he hadn't taken his responsibilities if anything went wrong.  
He was so busy checking on the price of our rice, seeing that the locals' taxes had been paid, counting them up again, making sure nobody had a bigger rant than they should have while counting up over and over his own… Sometimes I wondered if the guy hadn't lost all clue to what was going on outside of his head.  
He was lucky his crew was made of honourable men who paid what they drank and knew what 'no' means.

Because you should know that was not always the case. A war is something very special, you can't see what it's doing to you until it's too late. And if you're just the littlest angry or scared when it gets to you, it bites you on that tiny weakness and its dribble crawls under your skin, and you become a puppet.

I've seen the sweetest guys, brothers, fathers, husbands or sons of women they loved back in the Fire Nation do the most horrible things, of my own eyes. The disciplined Fire Nation army was just made out of young men who had seen their friends dying and ripped apart in horrible fights. As soon as they would get out of the frontline, they would shut their thoughts off so they wouldn't live this over and over again. But it also left them vulnerable, and if a single man in their unit was born wicked _– no human community is spared its lot of born-deviants _– and that wicked man told them they would do nothing more than punishing the women raising up their friends' murderers, the troops wouldn't have their mental strength back soon enough to think themselves out of more atrocities.

They had lived most horrible things while on the battlefield. After you've seen this, it's hard to work out straight. You always have the images running before your eyes. They practised vengeance, with just as much barbarity as the war had put in their brains.

Of course, that does not excuse _everything._ I myself have been on the front line, and even if I did things I'm not proud of, I kept myself out of the abysmal.

Now, some guys had it rougher than me, or were fragile to begin with, and they went downhill from there… Yes, they were still to blame.

But the older officers, the powerful rulers, who claim to be so clairvoyant, should have seen this coming. Most didn't give a damn as long as little red dots were spawning all over the earth kingdom maps in their headquarters.

A few even dared encourage that kind of behaviour. It was supposed to teach the locals not to stand in our way, to teach them they should keep their men with them, far from the fights, if they didn't want our men to come take their place.  
The government couldn't let such sector of barbarism taint its glory, so it took drastic action : the over-zealous ranking officers received a reminder from the royal palace that the occupied population shouldn't be treated with unnecessary disrespect.

Agni bless the firelord for his benefaction… Too bad it wasn't aimed at the earth kingdom's people.

Hopefully, not all fire nation officers were rotten like those cowards were.

For example, when I was appointed to my second mission, and found myself under the orders of an honest Commander.  
I had served for 13 months on board in my previous affectation, and the army needed more people to occupy a newly taken town.  
The place was a mess. Wide bands of smoke were still rising from piles of rubbles that used to be houses. The town had been showered in fire balls and rocks for a brief period of time, and it had fallen within a week after the few surviving earth kingdom soldiers had been pushed back behind its fortifications.  
The fire nation needed soldiers to prevent any rebellion and put the locals under control. So I had been placed in Commander Wei's battalion to 'pacify' the town of Yuan He Ping.

The civilian had been freaked out by the fights, and had tried to flee from them. Now they were timidly going back to their homes – if they still had one. We had to cope with the huge masses moving around the rather sizeable city and check if no spy or resistant was hidden among them. The air was stick with noise and stench from death and dirty hungry people walking restless. But the fire soldiers were happy. It was the biggest storming in months, for the whole fire nation army.

For the troops at Yuan He Ping, months in which the troops had lazed in their positions in petty battles, between the coast they had easily conquered for long and the enemy, with men dying and falling ill. And then, the last defences of the earth benders had fallen. Nothing could stop them from taking over the town, and in a week's siege it was over.

And now, the soldiers finally had taken over the city, it was theirs : they had their reward. And what a sizeable one !

Yuan He Ping was large and well located – and its taking had formed a deep dent in the earth kingdom's map.  
It would be a perfect location for an inland rooted base, protected by its towering above the plains, with yet not too badly damaged arable lands around its walls, and a couple hours only from the coastline, where the fire nation was already established.  
It would be a good supplying point, and since it was rich, would bring a few extra money to the fire nation.  
That was, if the soldiers hadn't plundered it all.

You see, the soldiers were so happy they had finally gotten in, they naturally celebrated. They ate, they drank, and they felt hugely relieved they were still alive. Some said they deserved to have a good time – which was probably true – and forget a little while about the war that would soon come back to them. So they drank more, started to pick random things in abandoned houses and claimed those were theirs, then did this with the refugees' belongings, and a handful of them started to wonder if they shouldn't do it with the women refugees while they were at it.

Of course, in a hundred years, stories had come to this city before, and the people there already hated us. Tensions were building up.


	9. Pretty Face Gone Bad

_no, that's not the zuko chapter yet... (ooh, that's mean !)_

**Author's Note :** WARNING : **this chapter contains a few coarse words and suggestive/mildly explicit scenery.** (it's rated T) (f-word and his little buddies ahead)

but I promise with the Ba Sing Se chapter to come it'll be the harder it will get. Had to talk a bit about the war a bit. That's still much softer than a real war can get, it just gives you an idea.

if there's one things more twisted than the timeline in A:tla, it's the military ranking. For example, the rank of captain comes before commander, while in real life a commander is the captain's subaltern. So here's the main ranking I'm referencing to :

**simple solider/grunt - major - caporal - sergeant - lieutenant - captain/colonel - commander - admiral/general**

Ok, that last part came out hard, but that's a big point in Jee's character developpement, and I wanted it to be good and 'natural looking'. When you make your opinion on Life, yes, you take rather defined steps, but between each you're not always 100 sure and you need time to figure everything out.

Jee's a hero !! squee

Next chapter in 10 to 14 days, because I'm feeling very down right now (my exams results were terrible, and I had worked hard. that's the first time in my life I know a 'professionnal failure', and that was something I really had dedicated myself too)  
also I have my best best best friend's birthday to set up, and I want it to be a blast, because she's always there for me.

So that gives plenty of time for the handful of people who favorited this story to at least leave a comment.  
**REVIEW PLEASE !!**

Hope this one pleases you, Newguy22 !

**EDIT :** fixed the confusion between ranks at the very end - SORRY

* * *

One day, I was in a small group, with two other firebenders and three grunts

One day, I was in a small group, with two other firebenders and three grunts. We were supposed to patrol on a street, and the older one of us – a 30 years old guy – said we should be wary about harmless looking cafés, because those were places where people met. And when people met, they talked. And the last thing we wanted was angry fire nation hating citizens to talk freely together… I bet _that_ guy had a pretty good report from his propaganda teacher.

So we went on and checked on every bar or restaurant or tea shop on the block we were in charge of. Everything was fine for the two first, but before we left the third one, one of the grunts said he wanted something to drink.  
It was a little tea shop owned by just a mother and her little boy child, with just a bunch of old folks petrified by our sight in a corner. The boy child himself didn't look very reassured, and he held on tight to what seemed a green-clad doll.  
The grunt sat at a table and we did the same. I don't really remember his name, but his looks I do. He was every inch the pretty boy a teenage girl would fantasise over, with his cute little face, his messy hair strands, his muscly upper-self – _especially his right arm_ - his white teeth, and all those stuffs that are so sweet you've got sugar coming out of your eyeballs if you stare at him long enough.

Anyway.

He saw the kid and motioned for him to come closer. The boy looked confused, but pretty face used a very friendly tone to talk him into it, so he came to the table.  
"what is it you have in your hands, kid ?"  
"a toy…" _the boy answered after some time_.  
Her mother came back at that moment, with a full tray of sorgo beer. And she froze. Very little lines formed on her forehead, and I suddenly felt very anxious.  
The others turned to her, so she got a hold of herself, and she brought the tray on the table. There was a silence while she slightly bent over to push the cups toward us, and pretty face was not keeping his eyes for himself.

"that's a pretty girly toy your son have here. But I s'ppose that's what happen when you grow up without any man. How about I come play daddy for you two when I'm bored, mummy ?"

The men laughed, and I laughed a bit too. Then followed a wide spank that sent the woman stumbling flat on the table. Which was _not_ funny.  
The woman jerked back and started to move away, but pretty face got a firm grip on her wrist. He said fun had just started, and he spotted one of the old customers scooting out of the tea shop. "_sit back and enjoy the show_" he yelled "_courtesy of the house_". The older man of our group chuckled, and pretty face yanked the woman onto his lap.  
He groped her breast like if nothing was out of the ordinary. She mumbled a weak plea, said she was an honourable woman, and a mother; to what pretty face added she was also hot. The other guy chuckled again, but I saw another one of the soldier was looking bereft and ill-at-ease. Our looks crossed for a second before he gazed down to his now apparently captivating sorgo beer.

The woman was squirming to get away from him, but pretty face hold fast on her chest, and his lips found her neck while his free hand found her thigh. She had a jolt and hit him hard with the back of her head. A flow of blood broke out of his brow.  
Pretty face got angry and roughly flipped the woman onto the table. This only made the old ass-kisser laugh harder.  
His joints were bleached from pinning her down, his mouth was contorted in rage, his forehead crisped and his cheek full of his own blood. Not such an appealing cutie anymore.  
I caught sight of the boy child, terrified, crouching in a corner and crying.  
Pretty face hold the woman's hips stilled.  
- I'm going to teach you, you little-  
- Hold on, that's gross, let's just get out of here_. I said and I stomped to my feet._  
- Oh what, are you jealous ? Don't worry, you'll get a piece eventually. _He laughed_.  
- You're sick ! That's nonsense ! We're not savages ! _pretty face's hands grabbed the woman's pants while she fought all she could.  
_- You should be happy you even get to fuck ! my remains are much too good for someone as ugly as you ! _and he started to pull down._

What do you think I've done ?

Before he even knew it, my palm connected hard with his forehead. I outstretched my arm, and sent him flying right onto the wall. His skull bounced back and he steadied himself, but I was at him already. I grabbed two fistful of his uniform and slapped him on the wall again. He was trying to push me away. And that was so hard not to just toast him on the spot ! He put his hand on my face and pressed, and I got a solid punch below my ribs. I stumbled backward just a bit, and his left fist hit my temple hard. I collapsed on a chair's back, and I think he was yelling at me. He was about to strike again, but I got up quicker, and I placed a strong punch in his guts along the way. Pretty face's breath was cut short. I elbowed him and he fell of his all height on the floor with a big muffled noise and a heavy groan. I was about to get back at him, but two of the firebenders were holding me back, clasping my arms tight. At that moment I was squirming and outraged.

The grunts helped pretty face get up on his feet, and he didn't really look fresh. He still took a few steps toward me.  
- Want to share your remains ? _I mocked._  
The men carried him away, and whether he didn't want to fight anymore, or just couldn't resist them taking him away in his state, I don't know.  
But I found myself there and all of a sudden the place was quiet as death. The woman had managed to come close to her son at some point, and the both were hugging each other while glowering at us. I quietened myself and mimicked to sweep the dirt out of my armour when the soldiers let go of me.  
When we left though, I'm not sure, but I think the woman throw a little "thanks" at me.

When I was back in our camp, I used the hem of a broad-bladed lance to look at my face. I had a nasty bruise just above my temple. I remembered one of the seamen on my previous mission had told me, if you hit hard enough, you could kill a man with a simple punch at his temple… I had thought that was a stupid death, hardly believable.  
I was maybe a bit over-reacting, but then again I thought what had just happened was at least as stupid and unbelievable. And yet it had happened…

I could hardly sleep that night, and that was fine since two guards came looking for me a few hours after sundown.  
They said Commander Wei wanted to talk to me in his tent immediately. The guards stayed to make sure I wouldn't try anything funny, while I put my armour back on. It would have been considered very disrespectful to present myself in front of a high ranking officer in just my grey uniform, even in the middle of the night. And when a commander suddenly takes interest on you petty soldier – moreover right after a brawl with another soldier – you don't want to appear disrespectful.

I clearly had an idea of why I was summoned. Somebody had been tattling on, and on that too I had an idea.  
I entered the big and fully lighted tent, and I've got to say I had the creeps. I passed between the two lance men securing its entry, and stood near its centre, right next to… well, how totally unexpected, Pretty face ? Yeah, it looked very much like him. Only with a crooked up stance and a few bad red scratches and dark blue spots here and there, I mused to myself. If I wasn't so scared, I'd have laughed heartedly.

If pretty face could have fire bended with his eyes, I would have roasted on foot. What a joke ! If that guy could firebend he would have burned his own self with it ! He could stare all he wanted.

Commander Wei saluted us, and we both bowed as was proper – though I did it with much more ease than pretty face. The commander called my name and pretty face's – a stupid name, it didn't leave an imperishable impression on me as you can see.  
Commander Wei said he had heard of our fight in the tea shop. I couldn't help but to scowl at pretty face at that. Wei went on : we were the sons of Fire, here to bring the unfortunates the light that would burn away the darkness of their savagery. The fire that would brighten the endless nights that their decadent civilisation pushed them through.  
He paused there. He was done with the usual blabbering, and he got to the point : we already had enough trouble with it as it was, no need to create more. We should behave ourselves, no need to give the locals more reasons to scorn us.

Then he called pretty face's name again. He straightened up, like a good boy. "Sir ?"  
And there went Wei's hand, a square slap right in for pretty face.

The guy was senseless for a second. And then, he just looked so confused, it was confusing me too.

"Since we are in this town, I've heard of all sort of petty and stupid misplaced behaviours on the behalf of my men. But never had it reached such vulgarity. Until now. I know how it goes in the Northern Colonies, but this is MY town, and MY rules. I've gotten sicker and sicker of my soldiers hanging round women like mere animals. Even the rhinos have a better hold on their bodies than you do. Let his be a warning, for you and for every excited man out here, that I will not suffer any of this."

Now, that was something. Pretty face was totally stunned, and white with raged shame from his hands to his ears.  
He turned to me, and I found myself straightening my spine too.  
"As for you, you're not a hero. Is that clear ?"  
"Y-yes sir."  
Commander Wei frowned at us, and for a moment that seemed an eternity he said nothing. My breath was burning my throat and crushing my lungs : that man had enough power to send me rotting in the worst cell of the Boiling Rock for the rest of my life.  
Pretty face was sweating his fear out in clear streaks. If Commander Wei himself had condescended to slap him, the Boiling Rock had to be his best chance.

"Dismissed". _Wei finally said_.

Pretty face miraculously escaped any further punishment, and Commander Wei did not even have him transferred. But this served a purpose. Pretty face forever waited the silent blow with an utmost paranoia, applying himself to be the model soldier while on duty, and daily sweating his own weight in water. And I believe nowadays he still can't sleep at night before thinking about the awful tortures he could know in the very next morning.

All the while his unappealing story spread through the barracks. The wildest theories passed between soldiers during night patrols on what Commander Wei had up his sleeve for him. And soon the men became disciplined and respectful again.

As for myself, I kept a low profile, and I carefully avoided the whole block where the fight had occurred. Of course, I had minor chores for a week for putting up a fight with one of my comrades. This was registered in my records as was the Law, but then that was it.

I served for almost three years in Yuan He Ping.

It seems only logical that after a year watching my steps I'd loosen up a bit : I had already received a proper nemesis, and I had not been the focus of commander Wei's anger in the first place, so I had figured I had nothing special to worry about. So I spent my off-duty nights having fun with a couple soldiers, a bunch of beers, and a lot of women. But, I was always careful not to go off the line, and I did my job thinking about fairness _way_ more than promotion, or perks I could have gotten over people. And that was a very important point for me.

Right after Commander Wei's summoning, one of the guard escorting me had told me I shouldn't get fooled by the wheedled eyes of an animal that knew it couldn't have the upper hand in a fight. He said the locals were merely waiting for us to let down our guard and bite us.

I had never been keen on race theories, even back under Master Yi Lin's teaching, but that turned into my head for a while.

The earth kingdom people were supposed to be animals; but they acted every inch like any Fire Nation citizen would have in their situation. On the other hand, _we_ were supposed to be the good guys, bringing with us culture and humanity. But when given opportunities, a rather big part of our soldiers could be worse than animal, like Commander Wei had pointed during his little talk with pretty face.

I had heard the stories of how earth kingdom soldiers behaved on the battlefield, how their benders opened huge creaks on the ground and buried alive batallions of men who had the misfortune to be there at that time. I had heard too about the torture the Fire Army prisoners were put through, and truly this couldn't vouch for them. But, the locals had done nothing of that.

Many were just women and children, wives and sisters concerned for their men away. When I looked at them I couldn't help but think that was awfully close to what the Fire Nation inlanders were going through. To what my own mother was maybe going through. As for the kids, they seemed pretty much the same here as in the Fire Nation capital. They had the same games, they had the same voices, and even their green eyes were colored by the same mischief and youth than mine once were. The more I spent time in the city, the more I saw how this people lived, the harder it was to see their supposed brutality and savagery.

…No, savagery was somewhere _else_…

I had no reason to mess with the locals.

These people were not animals, and if anything, they were just saddened and scared by the War.

That's why I decided I'd just stick to doing my job, the right way, and I'd let the others get the spotlight if they wanted to.

When my three years were over, I was sent back on a patrol ship. But to my greatest surprise, not only would I finally be in charge of the maps, but I'd be as Major.  
It appeared Commander Wei himself had recommended me for the post as well as for a promotion, in a specific letter to the War Ministry.  
It was mentioned in my records that I had earned a higher rank by 'proving my loyalty and standing up for my Nation before my personal interest and welfare'.

But it was also mentioned 'my difficulties as thinking as part of a group were still strong', hence the deadly boring six months long sea patrol in the southern colonies – where nothing ever happened.

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**REVIEW PLEASE !!**


	10. A Crual Man's Milk

**Author's note :  
**  
wuups, sorry for the extra week delay. I've had major troubles writing this.  
1) because I don't like realeasing things I wouldn't read myself. No crap-quick-easy writing please. Keep off the cheap clichés, or at least revive them in an interesting way !  
1bis) documentation work too (see the funny facts' note. teehee !) for this and next chapter  
2) the story got a mind of its own, and it grew and it grew... I've already had problems splitting the story into chapters (eg : chp 8 & 9 were supposed to be a all-in-one big chapter, but that seemed 'stuffy' all thrown out together... so split !)

I ran into the same thing here - lots of events belonging to the same 'arc', too much to be all put into the same chapter. _correctly._ So split again ! It was hard to find the good place to cut it though. A bit of a weird cliff... Oh, next chapter coming in a week to make up for it ! Yay ! (it's already well on its way).  
this 'arc' will probably be a 3 chapters lenght one - so another weird cliffy end coming next saturday... sorry !

**funny facts :**

-the anecdote at the very end is directly inspired by something my father's mother lived during WW2. Jee would actually be German there. When I heard about it I was like 'duh ?' so I thought the world needed to know.  
-My mother's father was part of the french army in 1940, and then was taken away to Germany for STO (might mention something similar in the upcoming chapters, don't know yet, **YOU tell me**)  
-German occupation of the place I live in, and in a larger part the Sino-japanese war of the 19371945 (avatarverse is rather asian-ish), both widely inspired this and the **next **chapter.

-and just for the lulz : when I published last chapter, I went to check it in a live preview. And guess what the ad at the bottom of the page was ?  
" military love links dot com" lol

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The year of my twenty-first birthday was also the one of my first battle

The year of my twenty-first birthday was also the one of my first battle. I had been so lucky as to avoid the frontline until then, which gave me the significant asset of a grown up man's strength, stamina, and stability. Physically and mentally.

Usually, it was the Fire Nation's policy not to waste its young recruits in fights they weren't prepared for. The newest soldiers were appointed to relatively secured areas, so they could get a grasp of the enemies' techniques without any real thread. For example, when putting down local or petty rebellions, tracking and taming unrecorded earth benders, or just supervising more or less docile towns.

Those weak resistance points were perfect to improve and practice their fighting skills in the field, and when it came to real harsh battle, they already had a little experience and had better chances of survival. This was what had made the Fire Nation armies so strong on the long term. The Earth kingdom armies had suffered from a lack of cohesion and planning from the start, and had just thrown random boys in random places at the sudden Fire offensive forces. There was no way they could have rivalled.

This way of managing the troops had given the Fire Nation a powerful advantage and a reserve of experimented soldiers. But the recruits were not meant to be kept away from the war front as long as I had. I think you could say I had been incredibly lucky.

And finally, there I was.  
When I found myself ready to charge, I looked around me. It was a clear morning. For a brief moment my mind forgot about what was going to happen. At least, about the consequences it could have for me.  
The guy behind me was just a kid, he couldn't be more than 16. Now **he** had been incredibly unlucky.

I looked in front of me. There was a green wall of men right ahead. All standing up straight, in neat rows, countless number of people perfectly still and arranged in a nice little square. I could have thought we looked just the same but for our red armours, but I was way too anxious. Not scarred, anxious. How to say it ? The air _smelled_ like something big what about to happen. You could feel it, you could touch it. The air was thickening with the stillness. It was heaving over your shoulder pads, it was sinking in your limbs. It was not normal. It was _deeper_ than fear.  
When you are in fear, you wish you were somewhere else, you pray and you look forward to be through with what scares you. But this, was different. I don't know for the others, but I knew prays and wishes would not help me. It would be useless, for hope was out of touch. It would distract me. And I had to be ready, even if I didn't know what for. I was waiting for something I had no idea of.  
But I had to face it, and there was no way out.

Things around me were changing, the idea I had of them faded, they became hollow, and suddenly time didn't matter. No past, no future, not even a present. My head was empty except for that strange feeling, and the green wall of men became just a green wall.

And then we charged.

With all of my long years in the army, I can tell you now a charge is the worst.

In a naval battle, the ships will just fire at each other, you'll only see metal or wood sinking – even if you know there's more to it, you don't actually see it. You just confront the ennemie. And when you take over the ship and fight the feuding crew on board, you don't find yourself surrounded by deads as far as the horizon lays, you won't have to watch out for a whole battlefield where the blow could come from, you don't have to fear to be killed by a lost shot from one of your allies. You know where you are, you know what you do.

In a siege, you have something to fix your mind on : taking the city. That's the reason why you do those things, for the city, and your country.  
The corpses are somehow hidden at the walls' roots, you can tell which is alive or not from the clear line it traces in between. The livings get up to Victory. The deads go down.  
If you don't succeed right away, the troops will just retreat from the walls. Far from odours and blood for the night – you've got time. You're not lying down next to the Wall. You're alive.

Even in-town battles are better. I know that's far from obvious. Living through this is a miracle. But if you die there, it's blissful death : it's over.

But in a charge… at some point, you've been taken so far you don't really know when someone's alive or not; and you, your own self, you don't know if you still live or if you don't. There's no red armours, no green uniforms anymore. Just some strangely stomping forms, everywhere. Brownish and splattered in dark blood and dust, and you're one of them, and they come at you.

There are no walls, no allies, no enemies, no goals and no blissful death. Just a big mess, like, you're vulnerable from every sides, and there's nothing to fix your mind on. But you're not lost, you're there. You're like sitting in the back of your eyes, you see what happens, you know it's you doing it, you know it's you. But you live it from afar, in a deep spot, deep in your head. And the only thing you can do is watch, and take it.  
You live it. You can seek as hard as you want, but the only thing that'll come to you is the arm of that sixteen years old boy, ripped apart a mere centimetres away from yours by a giant earth blade coming up from the very grounds you're walking on.

That's what a charge is to me. I don't know how to explain it clearer, and I won't make a hobby of trying to. When you snap out of it, when your body's available for you to handle it as you _chose_, you wish the charge had never stopped. Because then it becomes real. The corpses; faces you saw animated and lively now still and shining like cold wax; the pieces of flesh inlaid in the soil as if it was the way it was meant… And then you think you've been part of it. Your knees catch your fall, your head spins, your throat burns, and you throw up all you're worth.

My captain congratulated me. He said I was a skilled firebender and I had kept a cool head and acted quickly when it was needed. I just had a minor cut at my arm cleaned and bandaged then. I thanked him, but in truth, at that moment I would have thanked him too if he had told I was a good ostrich-horse.

The following nights, I was seeing scenes of the charge over and over again. I saw the faces of the soldiers I had burnt. I was _discovering_ them somehow. Just like if the charge had been a dream, and when closing my eyes, I was living it true.

At that time my head was empty. I didn't think. There was just no sense to make out of it.

We moved deeper into the lands, and a few days later we met the earth kingdom forces that were supposed to push us back. We charged. They retreated, only to come back with more men. We charged. We had to back away. Reinforcement joined us and we charged a third time. We outnumbered the earth kingdom soldiers in the end, and we finally acquired the position.

This was a breakthrough from which another battalion would launch another charge, in hopes to get close enough to the nearest town and siege it.

But I was sent at the Northern colonies' boarder.

Too bad, I'd have liked to see that city a sixteen years old boy had died like the lowest of the low for.

I had been very thoughtful all along the trip to the North, and when I arrived, I was seriously starting to ponder : why the only link between the War, the Earth People Civilizing policy, the charges, the mining, the occupation and slavery, the death, the families torn apart; was Nonsense ?

When I would come back from the Northern colonies, _**this**_ wouldn't matter either anymore.

Things had taken a special turn there. Historically the Northern colonies had been the first ones to fall out under Fire Nation's forces of occupation. Its soil was cluttered in shallow coil beds, which were easy to access to and cheap to run and exploit. The locals were roped in and the forests alongside cleared away to ease the transport. The mining industry quickly sucked every vein of the mineral of the region and left it worn out.

Then it lost most of its interest, since it was cold, foggy and full of swamps near the coasts, and resources in men were needed where resources in mineral were available : in the southern earth kingdom territories.

The only mining still gainful existing in the area was on the locals' incomes. And the soldiers there had pretty much every right over the people to puncture their funds. The ranking officers looked away as long as Money came in, and the few soldiers who eventually got scolded were soon excused by the necessity for a man to occupy himself in an unexciting and freezing place.

When I first landed, it indeed was freezing. The winter at that latitude was something I had never experienced before. I had never really seen a snowy landscape before. Of course, I remembered when I was a kid, it had snowed a bit a few times – melted warmish remains of ice that vanished almost as soon as it touched the balmy ground of our street.  
Fire Nation winter…

This had nothing to do with what I had under my eyes – and boots. The cool cracking as my foot sank when I walked was both exhilarating and creepy for me. There were layers and layers of white fluffy snow, that smoothened everything on which it laid. It was shining and radiating a blue glow, and it swallowed every noise in a very languid way. It was like a big and clean pillow and the air was resting on it.

That's when I realize, when I saw my breath fade away in pale steam, how warm my body could be.

And I wondered how anything could be this cold when I dipped my hand into the snow on the ground. The ground itself was cold and wet, and my flesh was getting so.

The only way to block the feeling when you are out is Booze. Booze flew, like the blood when it rushes out in spasms out of the gashed white neck of a twelve years old girl. Booze darkened, as deep as the forest can be on a cold night of tracking downs. Booze overrode, and when your commanding officer tells you to come back with the head, the words have no meaning, and you just obey the raging finger pointed at you.

I have seen blood stained snow. The pure white marred in red hot, seems as appalling as the deed that brought the crimson warmth where it never belonged.

Somehow, that sight left me meditative to the extreme, and it kept me awaken for many nights.  
The room I was assigned to was crossed through by a steam pipeline, and overcrowded by men, but I was still freezing. And the sight of the tainted snow always came up to my mind.

I realize now it was much more than this sight popping up.

It ran much further than I was ready for at the time. But I was working on it.

I chew on it many times. As time would get by, it would become a necessary routine before I could ever fall asleep. At times, wicked ideas found leaks from it, and got through my brain, and I'd start pondering what a good soldier should never ponder on. So I'd just push it aside, toss in my bed, and wait for slumber.  
I saved it for later. This was precious. This was my sanity. It kept me human.  
Heavens forbid I should ever feel okay with it.

The Northern colonies were rancid. The fire nation soldiers were drunk, bored and patronizing. But they were not the only one. The locals, men women youngs and elders alike, were picking at each other and scorning their very own selves. Each trying to have the upper hand on his weaker neighbour, to forget they didn't have it on themselves. The patriarchal men of the region felt robbed of their authority. They were put underneath the officers in charge of a region their ancestors had been born in for generations. The only way they could still have some control was through beatings, sellings of their wives and children. It gave them back the feeling of power and superiority the Fire benders were taunting them with, with much pleasure.

This had repercussion, and every member of the social chain being stripped of his natural place tried to find a new one in this devious fashion : by putting themselves as superiors holding every power physical strength could bring, ordering the weaker with rich reminders of their inferior's position.

Women killed their noisy children, mothers sold their daughters to lonely soldiers, older siblings humiliated their younger ones just for the sake of it.

Not every one of course. But merciful Agni forgives, most of them…

A lot of families had fallen apart. Long ago.  
The parents kept the boy, but they let the girl be on her own. Too much of a bother to feed her for years and mould her into a good housewife, just to hand all the efforts' result over to the husband's family, I guess. That's much of an Earth Kingdom thing apparently. It's recurrent. The difference up North was that we kept the food on strict control, and the bother of feeding another stomach for another family in such restricted conditions was not something parents wanted to afford anymore.

Once, I was in a day patrol with two other men, around a small town's excuse for walls. A young woman came to us. She clung at my arm and asked if we'd like to spend some time with her. It was a cold day, another one. It began snowing while we were with her, but I didn't feel the chill because I had drunken. The flakes were getting trapped in her black hair and her skin under the many layers of rags felt drenched in a tepid-ish sweat. At some point I noticed her fingers were turning a frozen purple, so I moved and guided her hands under my shirt and onto the skin of my belly.

When we were done, I gave her some money, and one of the soldiers handed her his flask of alcohol. All wordlessly. And then we left.

Another time, I was escorting a taxman. Arrived the moment we claimed an earth kingdom farmer's due, and all the while I was hearing people arguing and a baby's fretting. In the end I decided to get to the bottom of it. I left the taxman for a minute and went to the next room.

It appeared the farmer's first born son was helping in the business.  
He refused to sell even a single litre of milk to a mother who couldn't feed her baby anymore. The earth kingdom woman took a step back when she saw me, in full armour. The baby in her arms kept whimpering.

I asked what the matter was. With a commanding tone; the baby turned silent.  
The young man answered me, and added with pride and a conniving look he knew better who to sell his products to.

That got me gaping open – thanks Agni for the Firebender's mask by the way. Wasn't the guy earth kingdom too ? He was messing with his own people ? Ready to leave this child die of starvation, for what ? Show me what a friendly man he was ?

I ordained his milk was brought in front of the farm in large opened containers, and exposed there a whole day for everybody's self-service.

Now, _the woman_ gaped open. But that quickly was covered up by a mad wide grin.  
Of course, when I took this decision, I knew even if it hadn't all gone away by dusk, the milk left would have curdled… I am such a cruel man, am I not ?

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Review please ?


	11. The Spirit World

**Author's note :**

First i'd like to thank **newguy22** for the interesting review (and following PM). read, review, AND react ! so great ! keep it up !

**Huuuuge** chapter this time - but it allows me to give it one of those nice rounded perty ends i like so much.  
Also : Argg ! writing comedy is the hardest thing EVA. sounds fun in your head, but out to _word_ it fun ? hopefully put it through, but that was bitter work. if you have any ideas to improve, go on and tell me please.

thought about putting _'da major deed which you still know nothing about but that is so important_" in the end of this chapter. Really did. That's a sore spot. But that would have changed the way the story flows so far, maybe been a bit unrealistic, don't know. it would have gained some 'weight, impact' on one side, but lost the significant character achievement on the other side. anyway.

writing things directly in english is hard. sorry if that's not perfect (i might have made up a couple verbs teehee just like in the last 4 chapters)

**On the background and searches** : same as chp 10. (pure historical fact at the beginning, unplugged. edited later off)

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You never grow accustomed, that's not true

You never grow accustomed, that's not true.

But you have to do with it, it's not going away, so you learn to bear it anyway. You find an alternative, you find a spot in your self to store your anger and frustrations, and you try to keep it at bay.  
That's why it feels good to blow off some steam from times to times.

Occasionally, literally. My firebending had never seemed so reliving, so distressing, so fuelled with power and life than in this world of snow and white coldness.

I felt I was alive, but even more so, gifted, chosen. That was a close call to addictive.

I guess every kind of power is.  
The tough thing is, power doesn't come with an instruction book.

Me and the men placed under my command caught a boy once, eight years old or so, vandalizing a propaganda poster. This was not very clever : it was clear daylight, on a large street. The kid was conscientiously adding an upper right trait to the shoulder of each kanji meaning "great", turning them by this simple gesture into "dog" kanjis.  
The big headline of the poster, "_proclamation from the Great Fire Nation's Armies_", should then be read "_proclamation from the Fire Nation's Armies of dogs_ ".

A handful of other "great" had been changed, giving some "empire of dogs", "the dog leading the fire nation", and "showing a dog's patience toward the civilians".

This was clear disrespect, and mockery of the very own authority I represented.  
Back in the Fire Nation, anything qualified as such would cost you the immediate loss of the part of your body that had sinned before your ancestors and the Fire Lord.  
If you had criticized or libelled though talk, your tongue was cut out. If you had written ill of, damaged, or made fun of propaganda posters, you lost the hand which held the brush. You also got a nice burn mark in the back of your neck, courtesy of a searing brand, engraving your crime label into your skin. It was very painful. This marked you as dishonoured and unworthy, and that was not helpful with your social life.

If you did it twice, and since you already had been sanctioned of a limb with no better behaviour, you'd find yourself surrounded by hateful mob, kneeling on a makeshift stand to have your head chopped off. The executioner had to be very careful to cut in the middle line of the label-scar, so that both parts of the body stayed marked as dishonourable when the traitor would face Agni and his ancestors.

I knew the Laws of my country. And since I was the highest ranking soldier present at that moment, it was my duty to sentence the child.  
Two of the five men around me seized the boy and forced him on his knees before me. He didn't put up a fight, he didn't even try to flee when they caught him, he just looked scared and clueless. I guessed the kid had probably never seen a public execution, less meant to take the risk of being a motive for one. He had nothing of a hardcore rebel. Most likely he had been fooling around and had thought he could make a good pun out of a sheet of paper. And that's how far he thought the story would go. Until we interrupted.

"_I'm sorry I didn't mean to_ !" he pleaded_._  
"_Quiet you whelp_ !" I ordered back.  
What a joke ! The child just called us dogs… But I had to put up some authority, and I was not very comfortable with the idea; that's the only thing that came to mind. Hopefully, my harsh tone and the kid being scared out of his mind would make up for it.  
I believe it did, for I thought for a second the boy would break down in tears. That was the moment I should have drawn my sword and announced he'd have his hand cut. But frankly I was not eager. I looked at the faces of the men around me.

All eyes were already on me. Some kept a straight face, much like mine must have been, but I was not fooled. They stared at me with more fear than an indifferent soldier should. The soldier holding the boy's left arm was not even bothering to hide his concern. I think I saw the slightest shrug in his shoulders when I looked at him.  
_  
"Take him back to camp. There's a damp cell waiting for him there."_  
A couple of crisp smiles lightened up the soldiers' face, and we made our way to the base without a sound – except for the snow cracklings under our boots and the kid's shaking.  
When we arrived, we found a quiet area in the prison, and the two soldiers threw him in a wooden cell. The child landed hard on his hands and lower legs. He straightened up and turned back at us with what he thought would be an angry look, but it seemed more like someone trying not to cry to me.

I said the men I'd handle this. I was very thankful for what had happened, but that's not something you can say. There was no need to anyway, it was obvious.  
I let the boy brood over what had happened on his own for a while. I also figured he wouldn't die if he skipped a meal for once. He had to feel at least like grounded.  
…No, seriously, it was a close one, let this be a lesson.

I wasn't on duty that night, so I went to an inn near the camp and got me some beer flavoured beef stew. I asked the waitress to fill my canteen with tea, and once I had eaten my fair share off it, I took it all back to camp. I knew if my men talked about what I was doing, or if someone found the kid and questioned him, I could be accused a traitor's accomplice, and traitor myself. With every consequences it would induce… But I was not _**that**_ worried. I figured there was no reason this would happen. The men were just as compromised as me on this one, and nobody would give a damn about a child. But, I'd still better be safe than sorry.

I headed straight to the wooden cell my young prisoner was in. When I arrived, the boy started. He backed away a bit, and he tried to put an uppity frown on his face. Now I knew that wouldn't help to laugh at his face, but his gritted teeth, smirk and furrowed brows were more comical than efficient as to hiding his puffy red eyes and trembling. I debated just dropping the food on the floor, kicking it to him and leaving. That way he'd think smarter to stay out of trouble in the future. But I knew no one would come this way, and the kid must have been scared enough, so there was no use playing the big bad soldier.

I opened the door with the tray in one hand, and I came into the cell. The boy's eyes widened and he scooted backwards until his back was on the wall. I sat myself against a side wall with the food close to me, and I took the cover off the steaming plate. That's one of the perks being a fire bender, you never eat cold.

I could see the minute I showed off the food he was dying for it. You know, wide nostrils and wet mouth.  
"_come on" I said "that food's all for you. Aren't you hungry_ ?"  
He was suspicious, but eventually his stomach won him over, and he crouched in front of the tray. His eyes were going on the plate, then me, then the plate again. I stretched out my arm, presented the spoon my hand hold firmly for him to take. He was peering into me, and a moment of deep silence followed. Until he carefully took the spoon from my hand. Then the cell was full of his tucking in sounds.

" _'d like some tea ?"_ I asked handing him my canteen. He pecked at me, then seized it. On second thought, he glowered and sniffed at the inside while he still was swallowing his mouthful of food. He was still a bit wary, but he was thirsty even more. He drank, glanced back at me, like he expected something to happen, and after a short while got back head first into his meal.

Some time later I tentatively asked his name… _Anwei_, that's it. He said he was 9, but he seemed a bit small for his age.  
"_Well,_ I thought, if _it only took a hot meal to get the other prisoners to talk…_"  
I pushed him further. He said he lived with his mother and grand parents in the town we had found him. There he paused and he looked up at me. The spoon hung in the air just for a second, just like his question. But he eventually dropped it.  
"_will they get in trouble, sir ?"_  
His voice was just a whisper, but it had the most genuine and touching tone I had heard in years.  
_"…because of me ?"_ he added.

Waow, big question. Tough question. If I had reported his vandalizing, then yes, they would have been in trouble too. But the thing is, I had not.

I was working out what I'd say, when Anwei broke in tears. "_My mum isn't responsible_ !" he cried out.  
"_yeah, what about you ?! Did you not think, maybe, the fire nation wouldn't be thrilled by your stupid contribution to its propaganda posters ? You're responsible ! So act like it. And stop crying you're not… seven… anymore…"_

There was a big tense silence then, and I realized I had been a bit hard with the kid. He had to be scared to death by the time. Plus, I hadn't been the perfect child either, and I had done my fair share of dumb things too.

But I couldn't allow myself to be all sugar and candies on this one. First, because that was not suitable for a man of the Fire Nation. Second, because Anwei had to understand messing with the Army was not without consequences. And third, because he was a bit over reacting. A little harshness would probably put his teary remorse back into place and bring him back to reality. Sure he was young, but he wouldn't be his whole life, and growing up means taking actions and assuming reactions.  
When you screw up, you can cry all you want, it won't make things right. Even worse, it'll waste the time you could have used to get up and about again.  
The sooner Anwei got it, the better for him.  
He had been in for a close call, yet **he** had a second chance. I had taken it all on my behalf. What was he crying about ?

…Okay, maybe **I** was a bit over reacting. He was really really young…

"_Next time, you'll use your brain, and you'll stay out of trouble_."  
I said it so calmly it echoed in my head for a while. Anwei was not crying anymore. Instead, he was wringing his hands with his eyes locked on a confuse spot on the floor.  
"_Come on, get up_". That came out more like a statement than a command.  
I walked to the cell's door and opened it.

"_But, I haven't finished my plate_…" murmured Anwei.  
"_Well if __**you**__ want you can stay in here_." I snapped back. The kid was getting infuriating by the second.

But it was obvious he longed to leave, so he got himself together and followed my lead.

I just marched my way through the cells, getting more crowded and stinky as we were closing on the main hallway. Anwei was almost running to keep up at my side, shortening the distance between us as the incarcerating surroundings freaked him out more and more.

Finally we passed the two sentinels guarding the entry of the prison. We went through the courtyard, full of soldiers warming up around a fire, and then by the observation towers girding the camp's exit. I cut through the forest, so the route would be shorter, and so I could enjoy the light crackling of snow under my big, sole-metal boots. The sound was nice and soothing, and -  
_"where are we going, sir ?"  
_  
It took me three more steps to stop, with my temper in control. Now, I don't mean to be stereotypic or anything, but when people say Fire benders have a short frustration tolerance, truth speaks through their mouths.

"_Why, I don't know, to the Spirit World. Taking a ride on a see-through-y komodo chicken seems pleasant enough."  
_I turned around, looked at him, and he was gazing right back at me, gaping.  
"_I was joking_." The boy just kept glaring. Agni, what a rash ! I turned back and resumed walking. "_Just if you hadn't noticed. We're going to you mom."  
"but... But you said she wouldn't get in trouble !"  
"__**She's not**__ getting into troubles ! I'm taking__** you**__ home ! Now come on I don't have all night. I'm on morning duty at sunrise !"  
_I turned back yet for the second time of the night. _"Stupid brat",_ I muttered.  
I hadn't walked a minutes and he was back again. I think I preferred him when he was overawed and silent.

"_I could have gotten there on my own sir."  
"You're__** annoying**__ !"_

This was what I had thrown my canteen's alcohol away for ?! Tell me about self sacrificing.  
Then, for a few seconds of blissful silence, I could only hear Anwei's breath. I thought he might have finally gotten the message. I felt the muscles around my shoulder blades relax…  
"_we're in the middle of the forest, sir_."  
"_waow, no __**kidding**__**!?**__"_ don't turn around Jee, or you'll never get through with it !  
"_is that… so I can't run ? so I can't… escape ? because, I don't know the way to Home from here…? "  
_  
I turned around, but this time I didn't stood still. Anwei looked just dazed and anxious and completely out of his mind. I walked right behind him, grabbed him by the collar and pushed him forward. He yelped.  
"_You moron. Just walk. And no crying. Agni, I'm __**never**__ helping someone again_ !"  
Every time the child seemed to slow down or be about blabbering again, I pushed him in the middle of his back and forced him to move on, at a quick pace.

Finally we arrived at that God forsaken village. The child told me right away where his house was.  
It was a rather big building, but in fact several families lived in there. Not a very appealing look from the outside still.  
The front door was missing, making the main hall a long covered passageway between each family's habitations. A few people were hanging out there, and stared at me with spite.

I knocked on the door that served as an entry to Anwei's, and a mere moments later, a young woman with dark circles under her puffed up eyes popped her head out. When she saw Anwei the door flipped wide open, and she throw herself at him. She was squeezing him, and then she looked at me. "_what have you done !"_ she hissed.

"_We need to talk_." I stated. I made my way inside. It was an all in one big room with a kang in one wall, a kitchen range right next to it, an old table, and a bit further, a tin basin.

This was not the first time I had seen a kang, I had taken a few sneak peaks at it on shakedowns at locals' houses before. At first, the idea of a big heated brick bed also being used as a cooking and eating place, and as a couch altogether, appeared weird and… kind of filthy. But then I guessed it was a good way to keep warm, which is a vital thing there for people who can't firebend. So, if it's well kept, why not ?

But I had never sat, less not slept on one before, yet at that was very tempting. Especially after a walk in the night's snow with Noisy Anwei. My butt would have really been enjoying the nice, warm attention. But sitting down before I had been invited to would have been very rude.

Interesting thing, I noticed the grandparents after the kang only. But to my defence, it was a late night hour, and they were standing motionless in the back of the room, their clothes ironically close shades of honey brown and cream, just like the stucco that covered the walls. Two shrivelled living statues – but for their eyes, that moved everywhere I was.

_"I'm sorry for whatever troubles Anwei brought you. It won't happen again ! I swear he'll take proper punishment."_  
The woman had a typical accent of the northern earth kingdom, it seemed like she swallowed her "r". She looked in genuine concern, while the two antiques only were pissed I was there.  
I explained the woman what our troop had caught him doing. No need to tell how he could have been dealt with, from the way her expression broke down. The grand mother herself muffled a cry with her hand. The grand father just looked pissed…

The mother shook her son by the shoulders "_are you stupid ? why would you do that ! the fire nation army is here to protect us ! you'll never do something so stupid again, will you ?"_  
That was a bit overplayed : she was not staring at him, but at me.

_"Ninmi, give the man something hot to drink_" scowled the grand mother. Then she bowed slightly to me "_please, sit down."_  
Finally !  
Before I could enjoy the nice relieving sensation, the grand mother sat down beside me and grabbed my hand. She had a terrifying smug smile plastered on her face.

"_Well, you're a strong young man ! Why does the Fire Nation send you for something as petty as Anwei's inanity ? Ninmi ! Don't get on your knees to reach the teapot ! You've got a back don't you, well use it, and bend forward ! You'll thank me when you'll be older."  
_Okay…  
_"Aha, children ! I guess we all do our share of stupid things in life, the important thing is we realize it and never do it again, don't you think ?"  
_The mother, whose name was apparently ninmi, came to sit on her knees by the small end table. She was setting up the teapot and cups, when her mother spoke again. Sure enough a family trait…  
_"Have you seen Ninmi's wrap-over hemline ? Turn your head so our guest can have a better view ! See the nice work, sir ?"_ she asked while pulling the fabric, so I could have a better view… of the fabric… 's hemline.

_"we don't want to get in trouble sir"_ the old man at last spoke.  
_"Quiet !... what my husband means is we are a bit surprised with all those events, but it can all be settled. We just don't know how to thank you enough for bringing Anwei home."_

There the mother started to cry. She put her forehead on my feet and she bargained, cried, thanked, and pleaded all she was worth in a big confused outburst for her son.  
_"I'd do anything, sir !_ " she begged.  
_"Anything"_ the old woman added with a wink.  
_"Wow, I'm not that kind of man."  
"Of course you're not. But say, Ninmi, such a kind man, we have to give him our hospitality for the night."  
"All right, I'll be going now, you keep the stupid kid. And we'd better not meet again. Ever."  
"Where are you going sir ? we don't want to get in trouble !"_ the grand father yelled as I walked out.

This was just… Wrong ! What was that all about anyway.  
I was storming and growling, doing my way back to camp through the forest. I used my breath of fire to keep me warm, but that only got the snow in which my feet were encased to melt, so I had warm but wet toes. Great. I thought I could just try to calm down and focus on the quiet around me. I got a glimpse of the moon through the lattice of branches, and I forced myself to think it was pretty while taking deep breaths. I felt the fire in my abdomen grow when I breathed in and falter when I breathed out. After a while I relaxed, and I laughed at myself. Why was I all worked up already ? There was no reason to be.

_"Wait ! Sir !"  
_Oh yeah, that was the reason…  
Somebody was screaming in the distance, behind me, it was the voice of the mother.  
When she caught up with me, she was panting, but there was no sweat on her forehead. Her cheeks were pink from the effort, but her lips were white from the freezing weather.

"_what are you doing out here ?"_ I said _"you're gonna catch a cold."  
_She bowed to me._ "I'm sorry, I wanted to apologize. You brought my son home, and we insulted you. Please forgive me. I was just so happy, I didn't know what to do, or say. Truth is I can never make it up to you, but the way I expressed it was… tendentious, and disrespectful. I'm sorry. What Anwei did was so foolish ! I know what you took on yourself to keep him safe, and I'm so grateful ! You're a good man, I just wished you to know."  
"…do you have familial competitions ?"  
"what ?!"  
"No nothing. It's okay ma'am. I'd just like to get some sleep before I take over working, but, thanks for letting me know. Just make sure you keep that son of yours in check."_  
I nodded and I left.

_"He's not stupid !"_  
I feared a recurrent pattern, but I turned around nonetheless.  
_"He just longs for a father."  
"… I know ! And I long for a warm kang and dry boots, but I'm not going to get those, am I ? Just, give him a couple more hugs at night. That won't replace a father, but it can't make him anymore girly anyway. And watch him. Seriously."_  
And I quickened my pace. I had had enough for one night. And at this point, the silence of the forest was more like a threat to any imminent nonsense than anything.

"Wait ! Would you like… a cup of tea with me ?"  
"…I'm sorry. But, I'm not going there. It wouldn't feel right. Maybe some other time…"

Then I heard footsteps coming my way.  
_"What. Again."_ That was really starting to grow on me.  
_"Have this."_ Ninmi said. Then she threw herself in my arms, and she hugged me very, very close. I stood still, and a few seconds later she parted. She looked at me and she smiled, and then she turned away.

I was motionless for a great deal of time, and it started to snow lightly, so I went back to camp. More exactly, my feet were going back to camp. My head was somewhere else.

Probably in the Spirit World, judging by all the weird things that had happened to me this night.

* * *

_come on, don't make the 'submit review' line beg for your click ! Or Anwei will come and stalk you !_


	12. Suspended

**Author's Note :  
**  
I LOVE AVATAR FOR EVER !

OOOOOOOOOOOOH THE FINALE !!  
that was just so perfect, I couldn't sleep at night ! it was so intense, it even knocked off my... 'time of the month'... I was just so sad and so happy at the same time ! I kept telling myself 'at least they're happy now'. idk, i creept myself out...  
OH ! and azula ! AZULA ! i want to know where she IS ! i NEED IT !! who cares about ursa, except zuko ? sorry, i meant... FIAH LORD ZUKO ! though fire lord azula would have been totally awesome if you ask me. I'm a huge azula fan girl...  
and we saw June again ! I'd have bet Iroh was with her ;) but no... Too bad we didn't see Jee ! neither in ember island players, nor in the fianle. But that's because he was 'busy' with Oyone that day...

btw if should try to put a word in this story, just so you know she's still alive. hehe.

**In this chapter** :  
Jee does subtle fan service  
Cannon characters introduced, but just so you know, cause he's a minor CC, and he's hard to pick : colonel Qin is actually Younger War Ministry Qin.  
OCs that will reappear later and serve for drama-food introduced  
very lame soldiers jokes and stupid awkward situations that make me want to hide  
a little story _à l'arlésienne_ that actually had me teary-eyed after i had written it.  
hopefully a well-rounded character construction

**Next chapter :  
**MOAR not-so-subtle fanservice  
maybe drama (depends on chapter lenghts)  
finally some manly men's action !

Thanks to **Kez-o the brave** for faving !  
and for **Newguy 22** who's the only one to review ! _cries_

* * *

My favourite moment in those icy lands was Shower Time

My favourite moment in those icy lands was Shower Time. And NOT for the reasons you think ! No, I liked it because of the boiling water's warming up my skin, until red patches covered every inch of my body. There was no better feeling after a long, boring, and freezing patrol in this dumb place.

The shower, and plus, the hot one, was still a luxury - _especially when the smallest drop of water was trapped in rock hard blocks of ice_ - and we soldiers and petty officers could only use it once a week. The rest of the time we had to stick to a rag, a bar of old soap and a freaking basin of cold water. But when the day of the shower came… That was such a relief ! When they say the best things in life are the simplest, of course I'll tell you they're not really right, but they're not totally wrong either. That was just a shower, but that was _**really**_ good.

That's why that one time, I wasn't really bothered the guy next to me was so… '_happy_'. I mean, I'm a man, and when you're a man, sometimes, when you feel real comfy and all, parts of your body visibly relax, and _part_ of your body visibly hardens, just a bit. Those things happen. Like, when you just woke up from a good and deep sleep, and you still feel very calm and warm from the bed… Firebenders rise with the Sun, I'll tell you.  
Now, that's just my point of view, but I think that's because the closest thing from Love is radiant, soft warmth. Not a searing one, no, more like a smooth woman skin's temperature's. The one you can feel when your belly slowly rubs against hers. Anyways…  
What I mean is, I didn't get worked up because of a simple physical reaction to the contrast between the tiresome freezing rounds and the nice hot showers. That's something I could understand.

But the thing is, I had the nasty feeling the guy was giving me eyes. I told myself I was paranoid, and I tried to brush it off, but it lingered… and I didn't like it did so on _that _place.  
Man, the one time of the week you can really unwind and enjoy a normal temperature, you'd think you'll make the most of it, but nuuuuh !  
I didn't even know this guy I had never seen him in my life !

- _You'd better stop breathing down my neck !_  
The man looked at me for a second like I was crazy, then he shrugged.  
- _Sorry. Too bad for you._  
And he went further away. Just like that.

That kind of ruined my shower, because it sent me on a train of thought that ran faster in my head than the water down my chin. The droplets' sound was echoing weirdly in my ears, that was giving me a dizzy feeling, so I might as well have dried myself and sat.  
Of course, I had known loneliness was something not every man was equal before, to put it in nice words. I had caught a few innuendos from Sweetie, the engineer from my very first mission. He was a respectable man, and I was clearly not interested, but if I had made the first move, I'm pretty sure he would have followed suit. That was weird, how it seemed so obvious now.

Selfless friendship, uh ?

I stayed some time deep in thoughts about what had happened, now and back then, until I had put my entire armour back on. And then it dawned to me. I just _didn't _care. And, what a dummy I had been, I had just dropped my only hot shower of the week !  
And what for ? I could have postponed useless thoughts for after the shower, couldn't I have ? I was raging ! I swore that would not happen again !

Imagine the way I felt when the next day, the same guy spotted me in the dining hall and headed toward me. The refectory was crowded, and I was just a random red armour among the men of my unit – who I had hit it off with since the 'poster' incident. Yet, the guy had managed to recognise me. Well, I had been too lucky until then…  
My brows sunk low on my forehead as the younger man of the unit incredulously shouted out.

"_you know him ?"_  
I turned around to the young man – and away from the annoying one coming my way.  
- _Well, who do we have here ? You're the man from yesterday !_ he cheered.  
Then he slumped down onto the bench, right next to me, pushing my friend Kazuo aside. That's something I'd have considered silly, seeing how muscular and in a permanent pet mood he was, but surprisingly, he just shifted without a single gruff.  
_- Listen, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I acted really coarse, and, I apologize. I meant not disrespect.  
- I'm surprised you remembered my __**face**__._ I said without even looking at him. But he was not put off.  
_- Oh, well, the first thing I look at in a man's his__** face**__, so next I can have all my time looking at the __**rest**__.  
_- _Who are __**you**_** ?** I snapped back at him, before my eyes fell on the design of his chest plaque, which definitely marked him as a sergeant – two ranks higher than me.  
- _My name's Hao, and I'm a good friend of Colonel Qin. You know, the guy in charge of this whole camp… His father works at the __**War**__ Ministry, propaganda secretary or something… But, that's not relevant, right ?_  
Sergeant Hao… I looked around me for a brief second, but everybody's eyes were riveted on their plate, and I found no support.  
_- …No, that's not_. I answered slowly so each word had its own weight.  
Then there was an uncomfortable silence, before Hao started to madly laugh out loud. He wiped a tear on the corner of his eyes and tapped my shoulder.  
_- I'm sorry, that was just too good. I like you ! I knew the moment I saw you you had __**some**__, not someone to mess up with, right ? a tough guy. That's cool, I could spend some time with a man like you. That'd be a welcomed change, most people just kiss my ass in this place. Not that it's unpleasant ! But a good butt kicking is sometimes much more appreciated, makes you fall back into place just nicely. Gentlemen.  
_  
With that he got up, made a quick bow to the table, turned on his heels and left.  
_- …Now what the… _I asked to myself_  
- Hey Jee, looks like you've got yourself a way to cut down dramatically on your brothel expenses !  
- Shut up, Kazuo ! You were not so talkative when he was here !  
- At least, you know what you have to do if you want to get promoted. _Laughed a third man with a goatee._  
- That's gross. Jee doesn't have to sleep around to get promoted. Do you know how quickly an officer dies nowadays ? The army has to replace them ! His turn will come !  
- Thanks, that's really reassuring.  
- You welcome Sir !  
- By the way, you have quite an impressing face when you're not happy, no wonder you have to pay them girls. _A heartily laugh gained the table._  
- Why, your last comment makes me so sad ! Just thinking about how many push ups I'll have you all doing for it, almost makes me tearbend ! Come on, give me another ouzo !_

And the following week, finally, after months of white cold and biting winds, Spring arrived. It was a late spring, that came all of a sudden, one morning. I got up and I smelled the air, and somehow I knew. I could feel the heat from the Sun filtering deeper down my skin, and the next day, loads of snow crashed down from the branches to the ground, were it melted in balm waters.

For the next week the damn place was but a swamp, with mud everywhere. The air was still chilly and the sun a pale yellow all day long. Kazuo's genuine talks during patrols had been becoming a pleasant routine I was eager for, especially early in the morning.  
Kazuo was middle-aged, yet only a grunt, since he had only been in the army for four years including his full training. He had spent his two years of service in those northern colonies. Not very enthusiastic about his job there, even less ambitious, and doing nothing particularly noticeable. That's for the formal part.  
More importantly, he was a short and beefy man with a blunt personality. He knew what he wanted and the second he decided something was gross, the whole world knew it. Always loud and clear, never in your back. Kazuo had basically two ways to interact with people : frown and say as few as possible when he agreed with what you said, and flame and shoot you down if he did not. Thanks Agni, he was not a firebender. Or else, no one would have survived… The truth was, Kazuo was bitter. He had slowly lost his faith in the human kind after a life of hard work, which had only been rewarded by the horrible demise of his only son.

Kazuo's son had been working in the famous Suspended Prison. Just as the Boiling Rock was firebenders jail, the Suspended Prison was a strong hold from which no waterbender could escape. The whole building was stitched up on huge metal pillars, several meters from the ground, in the giant basalt crater of an ancient volcano. This way, the jail itself appeared suspended inside the dry rocks cage, away from any source of water.

The insides were not much different. Each prisoner was put in his own cage, made of metal, suspended in the air. Pipes and drains ventilated this very same air so it never was damp enough for any kind of bending. And of course, the access to water was highly supervised, even for the soldiers. The prisoners were barley kept alive, and any rebellion was met with exemplary sentences. They did not benefit of the leniency fire citizen could get from their own kind…

Kazuo's son had been Called. Proud as a young man can be, he considered it an honour to play his small part in the great project of expansion of his Nation. Everybody in the house hold, including Kazuo, had been raised to be as much a patriot as concerned for the duty towards one's ancestors. So he left with his heart light. Convinced by a century-experienced propaganda and the desire to believe in something greater than him, he followed every order he was given, respectful of the hierarchy and his superiors, and blind to their mistakes as much as his. His prisoners' faces faded in the Brightness of the Honour he had to be there.

And Kazuo's son indeed seeked to do his best in return. He was a zealous soldier as well as a caution and unshattering guardian. And though he did not always felt comfortable with the way he had to deal with the prisoners, he was so brave as to sacrifice his own peace of mind for the world's greater good, to which these rebels were an obstacle to.

And this, until the day a water tribe woman escaped. Her name was Hama, but no one ever used it, she was just a weary shadow held in chains, like plenty others. And she had been there, motionless, for years.  
When Kazuo was called to his dying son's bedside, the later explained to him how one day, by a simple flick of her fingers, he had felt his whole body tremble, his own blood dangling inside like he were just a sac filled with water. The fascination and sheer horror of losing control on his body still vivid as he laid, he told his father how _she _pushed her will through his veins, how he saw his own hand open the cage, as if in a dream, only it was really happening.  
Kazuo's son blood had left his legs and belly for his arm, and never got back. What was first numbness quickly became crawling pain and weakness, and he was unable to even stand. He had tried, but it was futile, and the ground had met his head.  
The physician had diagnosed an important loss of blood in his insides from the spreading bruises on his chest, but Kazuo's son was denied any possible cure. The fact was, he was suspected to have introduced water when it was forbidden, thus allowing the water woman to escape. This was the only plausible explanation, the only one the Warden took. And Kazuo's son was at the best labelled an idiot and a coward.

If Agni took pity on him and let him live, the Warden was yet ready to forgive his misstep. Unfortunately, Agni had a very busy week, with all those Glorious battles to lead against the earth kingdom, he didn't have the time to make a detour to see Kazuo's son by himself. He probably thought from his common sense the physician could do it for him… Communication problems.

Kazuo deeply loved his country, and was proud to be Fire Nation, but this had never left him. After a long and hard battle inside of his mind, he eventually decided he had to engage in the Army himself. To clear his son's honour, in the name of his family, and because it was his duty. What kind of father would he be if he let his only son die for his land without even getting involved himself ?  
It was a touchy subject, but I think Kazuo felt guilty, and disillusioned. And this, in many ways… But as much as he knew there was nothing to hope for anymore, he badly needed to cling on something. Or else he would have sunk, and in the memory of his son, who had stood still, he could not allow this. He could not accept his son had died for nothing, there had to be something, and this something he had to hold onto.

This made Kazuo a hard-nosed, short-tempered, grave and silent man, who always had much more than he let out.

He never really bound to anyone, he had lost the desire to one fool after the other. And he always looked the fussing from afar, behind a useless-talk-proof frown.  
…Except, when we marched to the cold track between each town. Then, he seemed to know every single little thing happening to camp, while he spoke to no body. That was sometimes a bit creepy, but Kazuo said you just had to listen, and that I was a good listener.

Truth is, I had no idea of what I could have _**said**_ after such a sad story…

Now with insight, I realize, Kazuo probably just wanted to be the one to do the talk, for once in his life. For letting the opportunity slip before, he had learnt how precious it was, and he seized it everytime there was someone to listen.

And boy, is _**listen**_ a different word from _**hear**_ !

- _Do you know the last one ? General Piando is tired of the Army. He wants to retire, and I heard the Dragon of the West already has offered him to teach the crown prince in the way of the sword instead. Food for thoughts, uh ?

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_

**PLEASE review !**  
- from 0 to 10, how lame were the jokes ? ;)  
- what's that big drama going to be ?  
- what cannon character would you like to see in this story ?  
- am i ever gonna make it to avatard the last mister ?  
(one can dream right ?)


	13. It Will Be A Blast !

**Author's note :** I'd like to apologize for such slow updates. my life sucks badly right now. i'm making sacrifices but it's hard, i DREAM about freaking molecules !!! if i don't pass my exam this year then i'll be all over... i have to pass it !!!

thanks if anyone's still reading this story after the horrible way i'm managing it ! (and to newguy 22, a special apology for the long wait. you're the reason i haven't simply dropped off the story !))  
hope you all like.

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Things toughened in May.

As you probably guess, our army was spreading thin on the huge earth kingdom territories, if we wanted to keep the balance in our favour, we couldn't afford a single rebellion. So, every little sign of uprising was crushed down. And we kept the locals strictly monitored.

We had a database were every potential dissident was registered. Those included earth benders, who had to come and declare themselves. If they were caught doing any use – public or private – of this bending, they were send to special prisons. As for those who had not been registered…

Every now and then we had to come and shake those subversive people, ask questions and get answers, ask questions again, get to the point, search their house, search their family's house, search their neighbours houses, and ask questions, again, very loudly to them all at the end of it. You get the picture.

Sometimes, we also broke into some random house to do the same.

This was a good occasion for the soldiers to grab some free food, drink… and for a few, women. But this was first of all an excellent way to get information for our administration.  
You have no idea what someone would do for a bowl of rice if hungry enough ! The first times, it feels so unreal you hardly believe yourself. Grassing mother, brother, and children alike, just to be over it quickly, or to be seen in a good light… It was very easy to despise this people, and the whole earth kingdom in the wake. But as soon as I had come to this, I had found it very hard not to despise some of my own fellows. So I guess that set it even.

Yet, throughout the months, rumours had been running. Our superiors wanted to know more about those, and as was our job, we had to pressure our key instructors into some reliable information.  
We did, and I'll spare you the details of _how_. That's a part of my life I'm not proud of.  
Back then… I know that's no excuse but… Sometimes you just don't have middles, and I don't claim to be the bravest or most clever man, so I didn't give it a second thought and I did what was expected of me.  
I was not the only one, and I was left to deal with petty interrogations only. Still, I was good at my job. Just _good_, not _zealous_… That's what I was paid for, and I did it for my country.

Our superior put together what little information we had received, and by August, Colonel Qin himself had half of us all gathered for a bombastic speech in full armour. Apparently the major drunkards and well-wishers had been discarded, while hard core patriots and young and angry recruits filled the room. When Colonel Qin entered, the big taiko drum's sound emphasised his steps and we all fell silent. Qin took a long and dramatical breath. He declared the Office of Containment had investigated and confirmed the locals were plotting an organized uprising. He said we had been chosen for our loyalty to our nation and our ability of discretion. The last word trailed off before he spoke again. We had to outrun the rebels.

The 5th of July was to be the day a huge charge of blasting jelly would be placed in the heart of the firenation colony. The targets were mostly administrative or symbolic buildings. The eastern information tower, the governor's estate, the theatre of the golden flame… a few rich people's house though… All put together, and given how massive some of this buildings were, there had to be quite a lot of explosive.  
Reports didn't reveal how the locals had gotten the blasting jelly, and in such an amount, but colonel Qin had affirmed in a cold tone it would be seen to in time.  
That meant he already had his own elite spies working on it, and it was none of our business. At least not mine, troubles come easily enough for me not to seek more.

We were to burst into the new founded city two days before. We knew the blasting jelly would be moving to the targets by then. Handling it meant a lot of risks for the locals, they were more exposed, and thus easier to find. Especially since they were no match in an actual fight – being food restricted was no good for an efficient training.

An hour before dawn, we rushed to the city, as fast and silent as an entire division could be. Of course ! If we didn't want the blasting jelly to vanish before we caught the scums and traitors, no one had to know of this, not even the Fire Nation people living there. We had to be precise and in control as to avoid any accident. If the rebels knew and were freaked out, the situation would be out of hand… A quarter of us would search in selected spots, while another quarter kept an eye on the streets. The rest would stand in the city outskirts, just in case.

But word had probably spread in town already. When we arrived, it was 5 o'clock, and a few earth people were still standing at their doorway or spying us through the window. So much for the surprise effect.

Our lieutenant took the hint, something was amiss. He knew he had to think fast on his own, forget Sergeant Hao's orders and Colonel Qin !  
- _Get in the houses ! get in the houses !!_ he gestured and yelled for all he was worth. _Get them all out !_We all broke into the nearest houses, looking for the people… as well as for anything suspicious. We knocked over every piece of furniture, looked under each carpet, seized everyone we came across, and we got it all out.

- _What should we do with our fellow fire nation civilians, sir ?_ someone asked.  
The lieutenant looked taken aback for a second, then stroked his beard to give himself some composure.  
- _We should be getting them all to safety. I suggest the disused information tower in the city's northern outskirts._ Sergeant Hao spoke out abruptly. Then he turned to the lieutenant and added for him : _It's old and dirty but it's safe, it should do for now._  
The latter and every soldier around bowed, and orders fused as the fire people were escorted outside the city.

I assigned Tian Zhen, the younger man of my unit, to do so himself. I told him I trusted him to make sure there was no trouble once they were arrived. Which I did, but I also didn't want him to stick around in a place potentially stuffed with explosives and full of an angry and desperate mob. I thought someone this young shouldn't – and wouldn't – be able to handle a problem in there. Somewhere else was much better.

The sun grew higher.  
Green rags and grey faces soon crowded the place as we spread further into the houses, when a young caporal screamed after Hao. He rushed to him, and I overheard him talk about a trapdoor and underpasses. Hao looked really bothered, but it was the older lieutenant who actually hit the roof.  
"_How could we miss it ! That big, for so long !"_

"_damn_" Kazuo elbowed me. "_too bad __**we**__ didn't find it. That guy'll have some serious promotion._"  
"_yeah, and we'll get some serious troubles for not finding it sooner_."

Right then, our lieutenant threw himself in the mob and grabbed a random man's collar. We all turned o watch. He yanked him like a puppet, yelled and kicked him to the ground. He spit on him, spit on the mob, pushed them. He was getting hysterical.  
It was near noon, and we still had no clue where the blasting jelly was.

"_Where is it ?"_ The lieutenant hurled. He breathed in loudly, the only sound in a heavy silence.  
"_I said… Where is it ! One of you had to know_ !" he brawl with disgust in his voice as he addressed the locals. He started pacing the square as his rage was slowly coming to a head…  
"You _filthy earth scum ! Ungrateful ! I'd drown you all in the mud you belong to. Like pigs ! We fed you ! We protected you ! We brought civilisation to this Agni's forsaken place ! And what do you do ? You turn back on us and you plot to kill innocent people ! You shameless dirt !"  
_  
Then he stopped, obviously in the process of steeling a forming decision. He drank in the look of fear, misery, impotence and negligent hatred that were the locals' faces. Faces he despised himself so much. And it brought home at the end of the road.

"_See that man ?"_ He said while pointing at the hiccupping man he had just left for dealt with on the soil. His finger was accusing, determined. And from the very tip of it, a spark soon lit. It grew and fed from the lieutenant's will, and the more he fed it, the hungrier the fire was, until slowly… very slowly… the whole of the earth kingdom man was eaten away.

That made a very weird noise. A deep scream, a long crisping, the flesh… I had heard before, on the battle field, but back then my mind was blurred by my primal will to survive. It was not then, and the poor man was just beaten and lying.  
The smell I already knew. I had had it on my uniform for days after my first charge.  
The weirdest at the moment though was, I was not making a big deal about the man himself.  
…That only came back later. When you get over the noise.

"_Every one here will know the same fate, one by one, no exception, unless I am told where those fucking barrels are !"  
_  
And then, I don't know what happened but there was a huge flashing light, a horrible thunder ripping the air apart, and a grumbling spreading through my feet.  
I snapped my head around to see what was going on. Gradually, the white flashing light decreased in brightness, it took smoky shades of red and yellow, and last, a hot blow of thick wind swirled past me.  
It had not even taken a second, but really it had seemed to last for ever.  
And only then, did I realize.

- _What the Hell ?!  
- What's going on !  
- Merciful Agni…_

- Now what was that ? someone asked from behind my shoulder._  
- That was an explosion dummy_. I answered angrily.

_- Somebody blew up the Northern information tower_ ! a sentinel yelled from afar.  
That just made the mess all around bigger. People brawled in every direction, and not only fire soldiers.  
After a short moment of uncomfortable stillness, Hao finally took charge.

- _First part of the division, take the earth kingdom citizen into our camp's prison. And send more men and physicians on you way. The rest of you go north. Come on !_

As my identification number placed me on the first half, I had to lead the prisoners. I'd rather have seen for myself how things were there. How Tian Zhen could have make it out of the place I had send him to… So yeah, I was not in the best mood on the way to camp, I must have been rough with the prisoners.

News were bad later in the day. It was still gossip, but apparently, the charges had been hidden outside the city when word of our little search party had spread. The northern tower had been a ruin now for decades. Build in a haste after we settled there 60 years ago, it had been replaced with a bigger, more impressive one eastward, in the glorious hours of the mining.

Some soldiers said to who wanted to hear it that this was an obvious hiding place, with a vast basement that no one ever check on. They said it should have been scooted before sending any civilian in.  
That was probably true, and the lieutenant who had given the order would most likely lose his head.  
The man had just tried to do what seemed best when no body did anything. But every one now agreed he had been completely irresponsible when they knew better. Many were glad he would have it cut off.  
A few even whispered the soldiers themselves had kind of deserved what had happened, because they didn't think of a shakedown themselves.

Comforted by the insignia of a country they would _die_ for…  
Blamed for not being paranoid enough I guess. But don't worry, that comes easily as you grow older.

- _That was a big one_…  
Around the table, conversations were low, if there was any. We had bore corpse all day long, and the weight lingered. That was normal, we wouldn't be joking right after something like this. But this guy, a few seats away from me, he was really not taking it good. From what I had understood, he and Tian Zhen had been both from Ember Island. Of course, being from the same place doesn't make you best friends, but when you're away from your home, it brings you closer.  
- _I've seen bigger. But you kids were still playing hide and seek…  
- Waow, I am so impressed. Our friends died this morning and you have shitty talk about how great you are !_ I glowered at him as I talked.  
- _Hey, What's __**your**__ problem ? I was just trying to loosen things up a bit ! I can't raise the dead anyway. Can you, __**corporal**__ ?  
_The man next to him mimicked to elbow him and coaxed him into silence with a faint order.  
- _Just shut up, Nan…_  
That was well needed. I brought my eyes back down on my plate when I caught Kazuo staring at me.

That infuriated me. What ? Now I was to blame ? I should have just shut up and heard that kind of shit, in such a moment ? No way.  
I stood up and I left without a word, because I was too angry to think of anything to say that I wouldn't regret later.

I was at the door of my barackement, when I heard Kazuo calling my name. "_Wait_" he said. "_I want to talk with you."  
- Not right now, ok ?  
- Not right here, you mean. There's a lot of people, not the best place for a talk. I don't feel like screaming my words today… Come on, I offer you a drink.  
_I was a bit wary, but Kazuo was right, I needed something strong to wash my head away. Besides, it's not like I could have slept.

Kazuo walked in the courtyard. He knew the guard on the way up to the battlement that run all around camp, and he spotted an out-of-the-way place. As soon as he stopped there, he came down to business.

- _You don't have to act that way. You're not responsible. Tian Zhen knew what expected him when he joined the army. Those things happen.  
- Wh… You brought all the way here to tell me that ? Thanks but I'm gonna pass this one_.  
I was not in the mood for sentimental chit chat. I was turning on my heels already but Kazuo wouldn't let it go.

- _What about that big rant then ?  
- What about it ? An evening's quiet is too much to ask for the death of innocents and soldiers ?! that could have been us !  
- And you feel so concerned and guilty you have to make a big fuss and point at someone who's not you.  
- Wow, look who's talking ! Lots of cheap words, nothing like blowing off people to get you in touch with your feminine side, uh ! Sure I feel guilty, I sent Tian Zhen there, I did. And he's dead !_  
I stopped there and had to catch my breath. Then I took back slower:  
_"I won't pretend we were best buddies or, I wish I had a second chance and be so. Truth is, he could he raised from the deads, we just didn't hit it off and we still wouldn't. But I mean, he was a nice guy, he had a family and he wasn't rotten to the core yet. He could have done something with his life… And he got blasted just because I had thought he'd be safer on the large X spot. That was obvious. We've all badly messed up. I won't cry about it, but if no one wants to take responsibility for this, I will. I don't mind showing a little respect for a dead kid."  
_  
I glowered at Kazuo for a minute, and he just stared back at me with no precise focus.  
- _Who's in touch with their feminine side, cheap speechie ? he suddenly grinned  
- Fuck you.  
_I turned and waved angrily.  
_- Wait! That's not what I had to tell you._  
Kazuo was gripping my arm, and I knew for his now back to his normal grouchy tone this was worth hearing. I shifted myself into a steadier position, but I didn't look at him.  
_"I'm listening."  
_  
Kazuo's voice came steady and breathy :  
- _… You're not responsible. I am._  
The corner of my lips uncontrollably fell until my face was just a big comical frown, yet I stood waiting for more.  
- _You what ? _I murmured without my realizing it.  
_- You have to understand. I'm telling you this because every one will know soon enough, and you have been the closest thing to a friend for me in here."  
_closest ?  
_- What happened… had to happen. I did it… for my country."_  
There I lost it. I flipped back and seized him, my face mere centimetres away from his, and I think his foot left the ground as I hold him to my eyes.  
-_You blew the tower away ?!!"_ I almost spat. My word came out choked with rage and disbelief.  
- _Jee, I -  
- You blew all this people ? You killed them !  
- Jee you have to hear me out  
- They were our people, our blood, they were innocents ! How could you betray them ?_?

_-I didn't ! I did this for our people ! What do you think the world will see in a hundred years ? Our children ? They'll see the Fire nation, bloodthirsty, savage, horrible ! Committing atrocities in the name of peace ? I don't want them to think every one in our people agreed with this senseless war ! I don't want them to think we're a people of twisted cowards and monsters ! I want them to think the Fire Nation, its real people, stand up against anything, masters, money and gods, to do what's honourable ! That's why I blew this tower !"_

"_Honourable ?_ i couldn't hold a chuckle there._ how's that honorable to kill defenceless women and children ? And not even of your own hand ! you're the coward_

_"you're young Jee. But you've been in this place for a while now. Do you think killing defenceless people is okay when they're earth kingdom ? do you think what we do is right ? we do it for the coal, for power, to give more money to those fat asses in the royal court !_

_" that's no excuse for what you did !"_I send him flying away with as much strength as I could gather, and his back hit the cornice full speed. My head was slowly spinning, and my stomach wouldn't bear it for too long. I had to take a deep breath and get myself together.  
_" In the Fire nation, people say 'when a dog barks at you, you don't bark back at him'. If you thought so ill of what our army does, you shouldn't have done it yourself. But I guess you wouldn't know this proverb, seeing how you don't give a damn about your people."_

I supported myself on my way back thanks to the cornice, and from what seemed to me an endless distance, I could hear kazuo yell "_you can't rant me out ! you wouldn't want Colonel Qin to hear about that propaganda poster, and you let the kid go without doing nothing ! So much for yo' brown nose corporal play, uh ? And I thought you were someone good !"_

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ooh, cliffy chapter ! is jee going to make it out of this tough affair with his head ? i have a feeling he will, silly me !  
but go on, please : REVIEW !


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